Your Money_ The Missing Manual - J. D. Roth [150]
For example, when I was a kid, my family was poor. Dad sometimes had trouble putting food on the table, yet he always found ways to spend on expensive toys—sailboats, stereos, and so on. From his example, I learned to put wants before needs, and so ended up deep in debt as a young man. It took years to change this part of my money blueprint.
Our financial blueprints don't just shape how we interact with money; they also define how we relate to other people when money is involved. Do you lend money to friends? Do you give to charity? How much do you tip in restaurants? How do you feel if your spouse is a spendthrift?
When your money blueprint comes into contact with folks who have different money blueprints, you might have conflicts. The following sections explore ways to handle common situations where your financial values (especially the new ones you have after reading this book) are different from those of the people around you.
Friends with Money
As adults, most of our friendships tend to be with folks in financial situations similar to our own. The people we work and play with come from similar groups, and generally have similar incomes. Still, you probably have a few friends who are in different financial circumstances: Some seem to be loaded, while others struggle to get by.
These differences in income can lead to awkward moments. You need to go clothes shopping this weekend, say, but your best friend wants to hit the mall instead of browsing thrift stores. Or maybe your coworkers want to celebrate every birthday by going out for drinks, but the cost is killing you. Even minor differences in income (and in financial blueprints) can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Though most financial interactions with friends are minor, there are two topics that deserve special attention: peer pressure and borrowing (or lending) money.
Handling Peer Pressure
Peer pressure is a real and powerful force: If your friends value fashionable clothes, you may start to value fashionable clothes; if your friends like expensive wine, you'll likely become fond of expensive wine, too. It can be tough to make smart financial choices when everyone around you is spending—you feel pressured to spend too in order to belong.
But it is possible to spend time with friends without going broke. The key is to recognize that peer pressure is mostly internal; it comes from a desire to fit in. When you realize that you don't have to spend to impress your friends, most of the pressure goes away. Here are some ways to cope with social spending situations:
Explain your goals. Let your family and friends know you're trying to get out of debt or saving to buy your first house. Be straightforward about past regrets and future plans, and ask them to help you make smart financial decisions. Once they understand your goals, they'll likely be supportive.
Note
A lot of people think that talking about money is taboo. But it's something we all deal with, so why not give and get help from the people around you? You shouldn't pressure your friends to talk about their finances if it makes them uncomfortable, but there's no shame in sharing your situation with others. Who knows? Your friends might have some great advice!
Suggest low- or no-cost alternatives. Bike or run together. Go hiking. Kick a soccer ball around. Organize a picnic or a mother-daughter tea party. A one-time investment in a board game or a deck of cards is a great, cheap source of entertainment. If your friends want to go to a movie, suggest a matinee. If they want to dine out, pick a restaurant you know you can afford (or better yet, suggest a potluck).
Budget for social spending. If your circle of friends makes a habit of a specific activity, build it into your budget so it doesn't catch you by surprise.