Your Money_ The Missing Manual - J. D. Roth [153]
Use the soft sell. When your friends complain about money, don't make a big deal out of it. Share your story, and mention the tools that helped you turn things around (like this book!). Don't lecture them, and don't try to convert anyone. Just spend a few minutes explaining how you solved your problems, and then let it go.
It is possible to encourage your family and friends to make smart choices without making them defensive or angry. But be careful about offering your opinion unless someone asks for it. When you see somebody is ready to make a change, be there to help.
The best way to balance love and money is to communicate—a lot. Writing in the New York Times (http://tinyurl.com/NYT-moneytalks), Ron Lieber listed four financial issues that couples should discuss before marriage (if you're already married, they're still well worth exploring with your partner):
Ancestry. What's your money blueprint (Financial Blueprints) like? What did your parents teach you about money? How your family modeled money plays a huge role in your own relationship with the stuff. If your attitude toward money is different from your partner's, it can cause friction.
Credit. Although it's not romantic, partners in a committed relationship ought to pull their credit reports and credit scores together and discuss the results (Chapter 8 tells you how). Don't think of this as a competition to see who has the better score; instead, consider it a way to be completely honest with each other so you feel like you're on the same team.
Control. Before you get married, decide on the family financial structure and who's responsible for which household accounts. (In many families, one person plays the role of CFO.) Know what your budget will be like and how much each partner may spend freely without asking permission.
Affluence. Finally, discuss your goals. How wealthy do you, as a couple, want to be? What are you willing to sacrifice to get there? (See the box on Tools and Resources to Help You Achieve Your Goals for an example of a couple that worked hard toward a shared financial goal.)
As you consider these factors, strive for trust, honesty, and open communication. Without them, it's difficult to work together toward common goals. And that's really what success in a long-term relationship is all about: Working as a team.
Note
If you're not married but want help working out your finances with your partner, pick up a copy of the truly excellent book Money Without Matrimony (Dearborn, 2005) by Sheryl Garrett and Debra Neiman.
The Importance of Teamwork
You'll always have some personal goals that don't align with those of your partner. (My wife rolls her eyes at my comic book collection, for example.) That's fine, but put shared goals first. No matter whether your finances are joint or separate (see Joint or Separate Finances?), make sure your common objectives are met before pursuing personal passions.
Here are some ways to ensure that both partners are on the same page and that nobody feels singled out as the bad guy:
Regularly review accounts. Schedule regular times to go over the household finances. Some couples do this weekly, others once or twice a month. At each session, look at upcoming income and expenses, and deal with any unexpected budget items. These reviews let you make course corrections.
Don't be controlling. Take "you" and "I" out of your budget conversations and replace them with "we" and "us." Each partner needs to feel like they're involved in the household finances. If you unilaterally tell your husband he can't spend money on his motorcycle hobby, for example, he's just going to be resentful. So work together to find common ground.
Be supportive. Find ways to encourage each other toward your shared and separate goals. If your wife asks you to call her out on bad behavior, do it. If she wants advice, give it. Don't lecture and don't act