150 Movies You Should Die Before You See - Miller Steve [50]
Trivia Quiz
Which of the following movies does not feature dinosaurs snacking on humans?
A: Jurassic Park (1993)
B: One Million Years B.C. (1966) C: Galaxy of Dinosaurs(1992)
D: Year One (2009)
Answer: D. It may have mangled history, but at least Year One was dinosaur-free.
TSUI HARK'S VAMP IRE HUNTERS
(AKA “THE ERA OF VAMP IRES”)
Film Workshop, 2002
PRODUCERS Wouter Barendrecht, Satoru Iseki, Nansun Shi, and Michael J. Werner (executive producers), Tsui Hark (producer)
WRITER Tsui Hark
DIRECTOR Wellson Chin
STARS Ji Chun Hua (Master Mao Shan), Kwok-Kwan Chan (Choi), Ken Chang (Hei), Suet Lam (Kung), Michael Chow Man-Kin (Fat), Rongguang Yu (Master Jiang), and Anya (Sasa)
When master vampire hunter (Hua) and his four apprentices (Chan, Chang, Lam, and Chow Man-Kin) are separated after a disastrous confrontation with a Vampire King, the four young men take up jobs as servants in the house of a mysterious embalmer. Meanwhile, the vampire continues to kill ….
Why It Sucks
Vampire Hunters is full of subplots, sub-subplots, and characters who jam up the screen like an LA freeway at rush hour. Nothing gets resolved or explained because the various elements are tripping over each other. Of four vampire-busting heroes only one plays a major role. The rest disappear for most of the film.
Thumbs Down Rating:
The Crappies
The Fool Me Once Award goes to … Wellson Chin for making a movie with an exciting first ten minutes that sink into confusion.
And the Worst Writer Award goes to … Tsui Hark for giving us four vampire hunters, each with a form of elemental magic … but not ever letting us see them use it.
They Really Said It!
Master Jiang: What kind of dumb names are those? From now on, you're Kung, you're Hei, you're Fat, and you're Choi. Good Chinese names!
Betcha Didn't Know
The film is set in the seventeenth century, yet the American DVD release states it takes place in the nineteenth century.
The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires, a co-production between British Hammer Films and the Hong Kong-based Shaw Brothers and the first film to cross martial arts with the horror genre, was released in 1974. It was released in the U.S. in a highly re-edited version under title The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula.
Trivia Quiz
Which of the creatives involved with this movie studied filmmaking at the University of Texas, Austin?
A: Wellson Chin
B: Ken Chang
C: Tsui Hark
D: Anya
Answer: C. Tsui Hark graduated in 1974.
UNDEAD OR ALIVE
Odd Lot Entertainment, 2007
PRODUCERS Deborah Del Prete, David S. Greathouse, and Gigi Pritzker
WRITERS Scott Pourry and Glasgow Phillips (story), Glasgow Phillips (script)
DIRECTOR Glasgow Phillips
STARS James Denton (Elmer), Chris Kattan (Luke), Navi Rawat (Sue), Matt Besser (Claypool), Chris Coppala (Cletus), and Leslie Jordan (Padre)
Two hapless outlaws (Denton and Kattan) team up with Geronimo's niece (Rawat) to escape an Indian curse that's rapidly turning southwest America into a land of flesh-eating zombies. All the while, an undead corrupt sheriff (Besser) and his zombie posse is hot on their trail.
Why It Sucks
Undead or Alive is a fun zombie-Western comedy (yes, you read that right!) if — and it's a big if — you can tolerate the notion of a zombie Western and you have a high tolerance for anachronisms and films driven by plot conveniences. If, on the other hand, you're not turned on by these things, this is just a big mess.
Thumbs Down Rating:
The Crappies
The Special “Isn't That the Other Way Around?” award goes to … The casting director for casting Indian-American Navi Rawat as American-Indian Sue, Geronimo's granddaughter.
And the Worst Director Award goes to … Glasgow Phillips for telegraphing the film's twist ending so heavily that we see it twenty minutes away.
They Really Said It!
Claypool: You say another word and I'm gonna shoot your jaw clear off your face. Then I'm gonna take a shit in your chin hole.
Betcha Didn't Know
According to Glasgow Phillips, the roles played by Chris Kattan and James Denton