150 Movies You Should Die Before You See - Miller Steve [53]
WRITER Fumi Takahashi
DIRECTOR Noriaki Yuasa
STARS Christopher Murphy (Tom), Yuko Hamada (Kuniko), Nobuhiro Kajima (Aiko), Miyuki Akiyama (Tomoko), Reiko Kasahara (Flobella), Hiroko Kei (Barbella), and Kon Omura (Officer Kondo)
When two boys (Hamada and Murphy) are abducted by aliens, it's Gamera to the rescue! But will even the mighty Gamera be able to defeat the evil space babes (Kasahara and Akiyama) and the horrible Guiron?!
Why It Sucks
It's a movie about monster turtle that is propelled through space by rockets up its butt. That's for a start. And then we have the pair of plucky youngsters. And a couple of evil vixens in tight clothes … who want to eat the kids' brains for lunch. Actually, there's something here for everyone: the kids can watch the kids, Mom can watch the giant flying turtle do Olympic gymnastics, and Dad can watch the vixens. You can't say that's not family entertainment!
Thumbs Down Rating:
The Crappies
The Worst Acting Award goes to … The anonymous voice actor who dubbed Officer Kondo in the American version. “Effeminate” is almost too mild a word.
And the Special Award for Explaining the Facts of Life goes to … Screenwriter Fumi Takahashi for telling a story spotlighting what all adolescent boys suspect about girls: sexy chicks might as well eat our brains because they make us stupid.
They Really Said It!
Akio: Let's make the Earth a great place to live, without war and traffic accidents.
Betcha Didn't Know
Although created by a rival studio to capitalize on the success and popularity of Godzilla, Gamera survived the bankruptcy of his original owners and is nearly Godzilla's equal on the pop culture scene.
The original actor who played Gamera remains anonymous to this day.
Trivia Quiz
What does the Japanese word kaiju decribe?
A: “Strange beast,” it refers to films featuring creatures like Gamera.
B: “Strange men,” it refers to adults who like movies made for kids.
C: “Strange turtle,” it is a nickname for Gamera.
D: Kaiju is the name of the Japanese alphabet.
Answer: A. The phrase can also be translated as “strange monster.”
BLACK MAGIC WARS
(AKA “DEATH OF A NINJA,” “NINJA WARS,”
“IGA MAGIC STORY,” AND “BLACK MAGIC STORY”)
Toei Pictures/Kadokawa Productions, 1982
PRODUCERS Haruki Kadokawa (executive producer), Izumi Toyoshima, and Masao Sato (producers)
WRITER Ei Ogawa (script), Kazetaro Yamada (original novel)
DIRECTOR Mitsumasa Saito
STARS Hiroyuki Sanada (Jotaro), Noriko Watanabe (Kagaribi/Lady Ukyo), Akira Nakao (Matsunaga Danjo), Jun Miho (Isaribi), Mikio Narita (Kashin), Noboru Matsuhashi (Miyoshi), Hiroshi Tanaka (Hanzo Hattori), and Sonny Chiba (Shinzaemon Yagyu)
A Japanese feudal warlord (Nakao) allies with a demon (Narita) and the five monks in his service after it is prophesized that if he wins the heart of a beautiful princess (Watanabe), he will someday rule the world. To ensure their success, the demon monks kidnap the princess's virginal twin sister (also Watanabe). But they didn't take her fellow ninja and sweetheart Jotaro (Sanada) into account.
Why It Sucks
Actually the plot's got a lot more wild twists and turns than the summary above would imply. It's got all the elements of high fantasy with romance, spectacular battles, evil magic applied in bizarre ways. It's got pure-hearted virgins, brave ninjas, honorless nobles, and samurai who are more than what they seem. And it's got countless extreme and over-the-top moments when you'll say, “No … they didn't just do that, did they?!”
Thumbs Down Rating:
The Crappies
The Special Achievement Award in Unexpected Plot Twists Award goes to … Ei Ogawa and Kazetaro Yamada for suddenly beheading a main character halfway through the film.
And the Worst Director Award goes to … Mitsumasa Saito, who feels we can't remember something we sat through ten minutes ago without a flashback to remind us.
They Really Said It!
Devil Monk: Oh yes. We must have the most famous spider tea kettle.
Betcha Didn't Know
Many of the heroes and villains featured in this film