150 Movies You Should Die Before You See - Miller Steve [83]
A: Making the actor undergo plastic surgery to restore his original looks
B: Immediately firing the actor and hiring someone else to take his place
C: Having the actor play the brother of his initial character
D: Shooting the actor entirely from behind
Answer: C. Since Lewis was into saving money at all costs, it seemed the easiest way to go.
NIGHT CRAWLERS
Intercoast Productions/Polonia Bros. Entertainment, 1996
PRODUCER Albert Z. White
WRITER Charles Hank
DIRECTORS Mark Polonia and John Polonia
STARS Mark Polonia (Tom), Maria Russo (May), and Armond Sposto (Adam)
A young couple (Polonia and Russo) buys a fully furnished house for a ludicrously low price. Shortly after they move in, they discover why: monsters are tunneling into the town's basements and eating the occupants.
Why It Sucks
Watching this movie you can feel the earnestness of the people involved. Everyone really, really wanted to make a great movie. However …
The monster is so badly made that it's obvious that its claws are coat hangers, its body is a football, and its head is a papier-mâché blob with egg-carton eyes and magic-marker-drawn pupils. And then the Brothers Polonia treat the audience to long, loving scenes of their badly made and badly animated creature.
Thumbs Down Rating:
The Crappies
The Worst Directors Award goes to … Mark Polonia and John Polonia for this, their third feature, which might have earned a high schooler a low C if it had been a class project.
And the Worst Special-Effects Award goes to … Phil Ogden and Joel Torris for the supposed tunnel dug in the wall by the Night Crawler — it's a piece of cardboard with a badly painted “hole” on it.
They Really Said It!
The Night Crawler: [Unintelligible]. (Given the level of dialogue in the rest of the film, it's a blessing.)
Betcha Didn't Know
This was the fifth film directed by Mark Polonia, so he had no excuse.
Mark and John Polonia were twin brothers who worked together on some twenty low-budget films between 1987 and 2008.
Trivia Quiz
Who gave the Polonia brothers an Independent Film Lifetime Achievement Award?
A: Director Bill Rebane
B: Actress Jacqueline Lovell
C: Director Jess Franco
D: Actor Brice Kennedy
Answer: D. Kennedy acted in nine of the brothers' films and gave them a special award during a surprise birthday party. If passion translated to talent, they and Ed Wood would be as celebrated as Orson Welles.
THE NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE
Phoenix Cinematografica, 1971
PRODUCER Antonio Sarno
WRITERS Massimo Felisatti, Fabio Pittorru, and Emilio Miraglia
DIRECTOR Emilio Miraglia
STARS Anthony Steffen (Lord Alan Cunningham), Marina Malfatti (Gladys Cunningham), Erika Blanc (Susie), and Giacomo Rossi-Stuart (Dr. Richard Timberlane)
A nobleman (Steffen) is released from an insane asylum … only to find himself haunted by the ghost of his dead wife. Will he end up back in the booby-hatch, or will the secret behind her restless spirit be uncovered in time to save him?
Why It Sucks
The protagonist of the film, Lord Cunningham, is a wealthy, masochistic serial killer who gets his rocks off by picking up hookers and torturing them to death in his estate. The creators of this travesty obviously think the viewer should feel sympathy for this reptile. Worse, the “surprising twist” about the ghost was a tired cliché forty years ago.
Thumbs Down Rating:
The Crappies
The Worst Director Award goes to … Emilio Miraglia for making a movie about which nothing positive can be said except “Erika Blanc is easy on the eyes.”
And the Worst Writer Award goes to … Massimo Felisatti, Fabio Pittorru, and Emilio Miraglia for creating a collection of completely unlikeable characters and for ending their story with attempts at twists that are so lame and goofy that one has to wonder if anyone bothered to read the finished script.
Betcha Didn't Know
This Z-grade picture spawned a highly acclaimed poster.
Emilio Miraglia worked on roughly a dozen Italian films in a variety of behind-the-camera jobs before