A CONFESSION [10]
felt that I was not developing, but fading, my muscles were
weakening, my teeth falling out, and I saw that the law not only
did not explain anything to me, but that there never had been or
could be such a law, and that I had taken for a law what I had
found in myself at a certain period of my life. I regarded the
definition of that law more strictly, and it became clear to me
that there could be no law of endless development; it became clear
that to say, "in infinite space and time everything develops,
becomes more perfect and more complex, is differentiated", is to
say nothing at all. These are all words with no meaning, for in
the infinite there is neither complex nor simple, neither forward
nor backward, nor better or worse.
Above all, my personal question, "What am I with my desires?"
remained quite unanswered. And I understood that those sciences
are very interesting and attractive, but that they are exact and
clear in inverse proportion to their applicability to the question
of life: the less their applicability to the question of life, the
more exact and clear they are, while the more they try to reply to
the question of life, the more obscure and unattractive they
become. If one turns to the division of sciences which attempt to
reply to the questions of life -- to physiology, psychology,
biology, sociology -- one encounters an appalling poverty of
thought, the greatest obscurity, a quite unjustifiable pretension
to solve irrelevant question, and a continual contradiction of each
authority by others and even by himself. If one turns to the
branches of science which are not concerned with the solution of
the questions of life, but which reply to their own special
scientific questions, one is enraptured by the power of man's mind,
but one knows in advance that they give no reply to life's
questions. Those sciences simply ignore life's questions. They
say: "To the question of what you are and why you live we have no
reply, and are not occupied with that; but if you want to know the
laws of light, of chemical combinations, the laws of development of
organisms, if you want to know the laws of bodies and their form,
and the relation of numbers and quantities, if you want to know the
laws of your mind, to all that we have clear, exact and
unquestionable replies."
In general the relation of the experimental sciences to life's
question may be expressed thus: Question: "Why do I live?"
Answer: "In infinite space, in infinite time, infinitely small
particles change their forms in infinite complexity, and when you
have under stood the laws of those mutations of form you will
understand why you live on the earth."
Then in the sphere of abstract science I said to myself: "All
humanity lives and develops on the basis of spiritual principles
and ideals which guide it. Those ideals are expressed in
religions, in sciences, in arts, in forms of government. Those
ideals become more and more elevated, and humanity advances to its
highest welfare. I am part of humanity, and therefore my vocation
is to forward the recognition and the realization of the ideals of
humanity." And at the time of my weak-mindedness I was satisfied
with that; but as soon as the question of life presented itself
clearly to me, those theories immediately crumbled away. Not to
speak of the unscrupulous obscurity with which those sciences
announce conclusions formed on the study of a small part of mankind
as general conclusions; not to speak of the mutual contradictions
of different adherents of this view as to what are the ideals of
humanity; the strangeness, not to say stupidity, of the theory
consists in the fact that in order to reply to the question facing
each man: "What am I?" or "Why do I live?" or "What must I do?"
one has first to decide the question: "What is the life of the
whole?" (which is to him unknown and of which he is acquainted with
one tiny part in one minute period of time. To understand what he
is, one man must