A CONFESSION [15]
wretched and disgusting condition, and when he learnt that this was
the common fate of all men, that the same thing inevitably awaited
him -- the young prince -- he could not continue his drive, but
gave orders to go home, that he might consider this fact. So he
shut himself up alone and considered it. and he probably devised
some consolation for himself, for he subsequently again went out to
drive, feeling merry and happy. But this time he saw a sick man.
He saw an emaciated, livid, trembling man with dim eyes. The
prince, from whom sickness had been concealed, stopped and asked
what this was. And when he learnt that this was sickness, to which
all men are liable, and that he himself -- a healthy and happy
prince -- might himself fall ill tomorrow, he again was in no mood
to enjoy himself but gave orders to drive home, and again sought
some solace, and probably found it, for he drove out a third time
for pleasure. But this third time he saw another new sight: he saw
men carrying something. 'What is that?' 'A dead man.' 'What does
*dead* mean?' asked the prince. He was told that to become dead
means to become like that man. The prince approached the corpse,
uncovered it, and looked at it. 'What will happen to him now?'
asked the prince. He was told that the corpse would be buried in
the ground. 'Why?' 'Because he will certainly not return to life,
and will only produce a stench and worms.' 'And is that the fate
of all men? Will the same thing happen to me? Will they bury me,
and shall I cause a stench and be eaten by worms?' 'Yes.' 'Home!
I shall not drive out for pleasure, and never will so drive out
again!'
And Sakya Muni could find no consolation in life, and decided
that life is the greatest of evils; and he devoted all the strength
of his soul to free himself from it, and to free others; and to do
this so that, even after death, life shall not be renewed any more
but be completely destroyed at its very roots. So speaks all the
wisdom of India.
These are the direct replies that human wisdom gives when it
replies to life's question.
"The life of the body is an evil and a lie. Therefore the
destruction of the life of the body is a blessing, and we should
desire it," says Socrates.
"Life is that which should not be -- an evil; and the passage
into Nothingness is the only good in life," says Schopenhauer.
"All that is in the world -- folly and wisdom and riches and
poverty and mirth and grief -- is vanity and emptiness. Man dies
and nothing is left of him. And that is stupid," says Solomon.
"To life in the consciousness of the inevitability of
suffering, of becoming enfeebled, of old age and of death, is
impossible -- we must free ourselves from life, from all possible
life," says Buddha.
And what these strong minds said has been said and thought and
felt by millions upon millions of people like them. And I have
thought it and felt it.
So my wandering among the sciences, far from freeing me from
my despair, only strengthened it. One kind of knowledge did not
reply to life's question, the other kind replied directly
confirming my despair, indicating not that the result at which I
had arrived was the fruit of error or of a diseased state of my
mind, but on the contrary that I had thought correctly, and that my
thoughts coincided with the conclusions of the most powerful of
human minds.
It is no good deceiving oneself. It is all -- vanity! Happy
is he who has not been born: death is better than life, and one
must free oneself from life.
VII
Not finding an explanation in science I began to seek for it
in life, hoping to find it among the people around me. And I began
to observe how the people around me -- people like myself -- lived,
and what their attitude was to this question which had brought me
to despair.
And this is what I found among people who were in the same
position as myself as regards