A Lion's Tale_ Around the World in Spandex - Chris Jericho [86]
The camera spun back around, passing the Amazing Crab BoyTM and settling on a lady with a worse Lloyd Christmas Dumb and Dumber haircut than Jim Carrey. She stayed in the shot long enough to say, “I love the Thrillseekers. I want to have two kids named Chris and Lance and a dog named Storm.” It was much creepier than it sounds, believe me.
These people were either the greatest actors of our generation or complete lunatics and I don’t think they were thespians. Nor do I think they knew what thespian means. I still don’t know why she gave me the tape. Did she think that I’d watch it and become so enamored of her and her family that I’d come over for farts and crabwalks? If I wanted to impress Jessica Simpson, I sure as hell wouldn’t give her a tape of me picking my nose and doing the Electric Slide. But then again maybe it’s just crazy enough to work...
Somehow the video got around and became a cult classic on the tape-trading circuit under the name “Strange Kentucky People.” Look for it wherever fine hillbilly videos are sold and if you act now, you receive a free Rock ’n’ Roll Express/Son of God portrait package!
I was also semiresponsible for another tape-trading classic known as “Jim Cornette vs. the Drive-Thru.”
Me, Corny, Lance, and a few other guys were driving back from a show and stopped at a Dairy Queen drive-thru. Everyone was starving and we ended up ordering around twenty burgers. But there was a long line and it took us half an hour to get to the window, which put Corny in an even fouler mood than usual.
“Can I help you?” the girl at the window inquired.
Cornette answered with irritation, “Of course you can help me. I’m picking up my order.”
I grabbed my video camera and started filming for the heck of it.
“What order is that?”
“What order is that? The order I placed half an hour ago for twenty burgers.”
“Oh, I thought you were joking.”
Cornette’s face turned beet red as he stuttered in disbelief, “Why the fuck would I be joking? Do you think I have nothing better to do than order twenty fucking burgers and wait in line thirty minutes as a joke? I thought you were fixing my order, you stupid bitch!” I learned in the South, you don’t make food, you fix it.
“Sir, if you continue to use that type of language, I’m not going to get you your order at all,” she threatened.
I was in the back of the van with the camera zoomed in on Corny’s tomato face and I needed more emotion for my epic, so I stirred the pot a little.
“She’s fucking with you, Jimmy. She thinks it’s a joke.”
I would’ve let it go at that point, but Jimmy was just getting started. His lower jaw jutted forward (giving him a massive underbite) and he continued, “You’re worried about my language? I’ll give you some language: You cunts better get me my fucking food right now!”
Then he sprang out of the van and stuck his whole upper torso through the drive-thru window screaming that he was going to kill everybody inside and make them all pay.
We eventually got our food, although I’ll bet after that whole ordeal our burgers had been garnished with some special snot sauce.
Cornette had a horrible temper and was a hotheaded jerk sometimes but he was able to channel those qualities into his interviews. He was one of the best promo men of all time and he was the most hated heel in SMW by far.
He took great responsibility in trying to train everybody else to do the same type of promos that he could do. Cornette was a master of incorporating the energy, charisma, delivery, and originality that it took to