A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [106]
I look up.
Why?
You’re a young man with a tenuous relationship with the law. We don’t think that he’s going to be a good influence on you.
Why’s that?
Do you have any idea what Leonard does for a living?
He’s a Businessman of some sort.
Ken laughs.
What kind of business?
I haven’t asked.
Have you ever noticed that people are scared of Leonard?
Yeah.
Why do you think that it is?
Because he lives without fear. That tends to scare people.
That’s not the reason, James.
What is the reason, Ken?
I’m assuming you know more than you’re telling me, but I’ll say it anyway. Leonard is involved in Organized Crime. He’s a fairly major figure in that world. He has been asked not to discuss or flaunt what he does, and because he has real and serious Chemical Dependency issues, we did not turn him away, but we do keep a fairly close eye on him.
I shrug.
Everybody’s gotta make a living.
That’s your reaction?
That’s my reaction.
We don’t think you should spend so much time with him. We believe it’s going to negatively impact your recovery.
Leonard and I are friends. I like him and I trust him and I respect him. I can’t see how having a friend like that is going to hurt me.
Has he ever asked you to do anything illegal?
I laugh.
No.
Has he ever told you what he does for a living?
He says he’s a Businessman, he doesn’t say much else.
I would like a definition of much else.
I’m not talking about this anymore, Ken.
It’s for your own good, James.
Next issue, Ken.
He takes a deep breath and he looks down at a stack of papers on his desk. He looks up.
Your Parents are coming here. They’ve enrolled in the Family Program.
What?
We’ve been talking to them fairly regularly since you got here and they’ve decided that they want to come to the Family Program. Everyone involved thinks it’s a good idea.
You think about checking with me?
We had an idea about what your reaction would be.
When do they get here?
Tomorrow.
They’re coming from Japan?
Yes.
I shake my head and I stare at the floor. I let it come and it comes fast. Anger, rage, hatred, shame and horror fusing into the Fury the perfect beautiful and terrible Fury. I can’t do anything with it and I can’t do anything to stop it unless I drink and kill it or do drugs and kill it or do both and kill it. I clench my jaw and I ball my fists and I fight myself. I want to get fucked up.
You okay?
I look at Ken.
No.
What are you feeling?
I’m angry.
Anything else?
I want to drink.
Anything else?
Get fucked up.
Anything else?
I want to jump over your goddamn desk and knock your fucking teeth down your throat.
Do I need to call Security?
I take a deep breath.
What’s going to happen when they get here?
I clench my jaw.
You’ll stay on the Unit at night and eat your meals as you usually do, but your day will be spent in the Family Center.
I squeeze my fists.
And what happens there?
You’ll engage in Group Therapy with the other Patients and Family Members and you’ll spend some one-on-one time with your Parents.
I hold on.
Sounds fucking great.
Why don’t you want them here?
Because I don’t.
Why?
I’m not talking to you about it anymore.
I look down at the release he has given me, write down the names of the Cities and the states, and I hand it back to him.
Anything else?
I think we need to start working on getting at the source of your anger.
I look at him and I laugh and I stand up and I walk out of his Office. The Halls are bright and the Fury inside of me wants them down full of holes reduced to rubble. I hate these fucking Halls I want to destroy them destroy myself destroy everything. I breathe deeply and I hold on and I walk toward the Unit. I want to go outside and I want to breathe free air. I want air that is not of this place and I want space that is not of this place. I want no walls, no Halls, no Units, no Counselors, no Rules, no God, No Higher Powers, no Steps, no Groups, no Lectures, no Dining Hall, nobody to see talk to deal with. I want to breathe. Free empty air.
I walk through the Upper Level and I walk down to the