A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [110]
She upset?
I nod.
Yeah. She had been crying.
What’d you do?
She was smoking a cigarette and staring at the ground and she didn’t see me, so I walked up to her and I asked her if she was waiting for someone. She looked up and smiled and threw her arms around me and cried on my shoulder. When she was done crying, she asked if I was in trouble and I said no and she asked if I was all right and I said yes. Then she looked me in the eye and she took my hand and she said if we’re going to be together, I have to be with the Person I know, not the Person I have heard stories about. I can’t deal with Police and the drugs and the drinking and whatever else you’ve got going on, so make up your mind right now about who you’re going to be. I smiled and I said I want to be the kind of Person that you would be proud to be with. I’m going to do everything I can to be that Person. If you can deal with that, just nod. If you can’t, just walk away. If you nod, though, I’m going to kiss you, right here and right now and right on the lips, and that kiss will be my pledge to you that I’ll make myself better.
She stared at me and she smiled and she nodded and I took my hands from her hands and I put them on her cheeks and I kissed her and for a while, at least, that kiss changed me, and for a while, at least, she and I were in love.
And then you fucked it up?
Yeah.
What did you do?
I don’t want to talk about that right now.
Why?
Just don’t.
What do you want to do?
I want to kiss you again.
Because you’re thinking of her?
No, because I’m thinking of you.
Lilly smiles and she lets go of my hands and she puts her arms around me and she holds me and she softly kisses the skin of my neck. I feel safe in her arms, safe like I have never felt, and the calm and the power of the calm is still with me. She raises her head slightly she raises it and she softly kisses my lips and pulls me tighter I have never felt so safe and so calm. In her arms. Kissing her.
She lets go and she pulls away. She smiles at me and she runs one of her hands down one of my cheeks.
I wish I was her.
Why?
Because it would be nice to have someone feel that way about me.
You’ve never been in love?
Not even close.
And no one’s ever been in love with you?
Men always want to fuck me, but no one has ever loved me.
I don’t believe that.
It’s true.
I don’t believe it.
She stares at me.
It’s true.
I stare back.
If it makes any difference, I don’t want to fuck you.
She laughs.
Thanks.
I think you’re beautiful, but I wouldn’t fuck you because when we were done, I wouldn’t want you to feel fucked. I would try to make love to you, and I would probably be clumsy and awkward, but when it was over, I would want you to feel loved.
She smiles.
Thank you, James.
I smile.
Thank you, Lilly.
We smile at each other and we look into each other’s eyes and we speak to each other with the silence that lies between us. It is strong, safe and calm. The silence between us.
Lilly looks down at her watch.
It’s getting late.
Yeah.
Meet me tomorrow?
I don’t know.
Why?
I don’t know if I can.
You getting scared?
A little, but that’s not why I can’t meet you.
What’s the reason?
My Parents are coming here tomorrow. I have to do the Family Program with them and I don’t know how much free time I have.
You excited?
No.
Why?
I don’t get along with my Parents, and I don’t want them here.
Adjust your attitude, Boy.
I laugh.
What?
I said adjust your attitude, Boy.
What are you talking about?
You’re fucking lucky to have Parents. You’re even luckier if they actually love you. If they’re willing to take time out of their lives to come here to try and understand why you are the way you are and to try to learn to help you, then you hit the fucking jackpot. Be cool to them and try understand how they must feel having to come here to see you and how upset they must be about it.
They’ve always been upset with me. That’s part of the problem.
From what I know about you, they probably had every right to be.
Maybe.
Maybe nothing. Adjust your fucking attitude and