• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

I look down, stare at the ground, nod. She grabs my chin and she lifts my face back to hers.

I want you to say okay dearest Lilly, I’ll try to be cool to my Parents.

I smile.

You getting tough with me?

She nods.

I’m a Badass, Boy. Don’t fucking forget it.

I laugh.

Okay dearest Lilly. I’ll try to be cool to my Parents.

She laughs.

Thank you.

I stare at her, let my smile fade it won’t fade inside. I have never felt so safe or calm. This hard, damaged, drug-Addicted Badass Girl sitting in front of me with her black hair and her braided pigtails and her clear water blue eyes and her scars her scars the scars on her wrist naked beneath a plastic watch makes me feel safe and calm.

I want to see you tomorrow, but I don’t know what this thing with my Parents is going to be like. When you go to lunch, sit so you can see into the Men’s Section. If my back is turned, I can’t meet you. If I’m facing you, I can meet you, and the number of plates on my tray is the time I’ll be here.

What if you can’t come till midnight?

Then I’m going to look like a fucking idiot.

She laughs.

Kiss me before you go.

I lean in and I kiss her, kiss her lips soft and wet and warm. I put my arms around her and I hold her tight this little Badass friend of mine.

She pulls away and we stand. She speaks.

Have a good night.

I will.

She turns and she starts to walk away. I speak.

Lilly.

She stops and she looks back.

What?

I’ll miss you.

She smiles.

Good.

She turns back and she disappears into the green. I turn the opposite way and I push through and I come out on a Trail and I walk slowly back slowly back. I feel safe and calm and I want this feeling for as long as I can have it. I stop outside the glass door to the Unit. I stare through the glass at the men they are not safe or calm. They are watching television, playing cards, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. They are talking shit and telling stories. They are neither safe nor calm. Addictions need fuel. They’re filling up.

I know I can’t keep feeling this way, it will disappear sooner or later. I choose sooner and I open the door and I step inside the Unit. I walk to my Room. The door is closed so I knock softly there is no reply. I open the door and I step inside Miles is sitting on his bed. His face is in his hands and he is weeping. I am sure that he heard me come in, but he doesn’t acknowledge me. His face is in his hands and he is weeping.

I step back the way I came and I shut the door. I am in the Hall and the lights are on and the walls are white and I wish they were blue clear water blue.

I walk to the Dining Hall. I am early and it is empty. I get a tray and a plate of fish sticks and tartar sauce and I choose a table and I sit down. I start eating. I eat slowly. The fish sticks are warm and soggy, the breaded crust around them tastes like wet sand. With each bite a part of me flares and wants more wants the whole stick at once it screams and begs for five hundred sticks at once sandy crust and all. It doesn’t matter how disgusting they are I just fucking want them. I sit and I breathe and I clench my jaw. I stare straight ahead. One bite at a time. Hold on. One bite at a time. It’s not that hard. One bite at a time. They’re fucking fish sticks. Just hold on.

I finish eating. Men start trickling in, they do not sit with me. I want more food, a lot more food, but I don’t get up from the table. I just sit and I hold, sit and hold, sit and hold. I am aware that the battle I am fighting is a petty one, but I am also aware that in order to win that which is great, you must first win that which is small. An addiction is an addiction and a fight is a fight. The same principles apply. Just hold on.

I see Leonard coming off the line. He has beef and noodles instead of fish sticks. He smiles and he nods at me and he comes to my table and sits down. He is freshly showered and his hair is wet and his face is flushed.

How ya doing, Kid?

I’m good. You?

I’ve had a very good day.

Why?

None of your