A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [115]
My hands start shaking and my heart starts beating like a Cannon on a Field of War. Joanne senses this and she takes my hand the hand closest to her and she holds it and she smiles. I try to smile back, but I can’t smile. The Fury is rising. I don’t want to see my Parents.
We arrive at a door. Joanne knocks and a voice says come in. She looks at me and she squeezes my hand tight. I stare at the ground. I’m shaking and my heart my heart my heart. I look up and I take a deep breath and I nod. Joanne opens the door.
We step inside. My Mother and my Father are sitting at a conference table on the opposite side of the Room. I’m shaking. They are with a completely bald man in his thirties who is wearing a black sweater and black jeans. My heart my heart my heart. As he turns to look at me, my Mother stands. She is wearing khakis and a white shirt and a blue blazer and a silk paisley scarf and her hair is perfect and her makeup is perfect and there are diamonds on her fingers and there are diamonds in her ears. She rushes toward me. The Fury is rising. I want to get the fuck out of here. I want out out out.
James.
She hugs me. I don’t like it when she touches me and I don’t hug her back. She lets me go, but she keeps her hands on my shoulders.
You look great.
I want her hands gone.
You’re gaining weight.
Her eyes away.
And your face and teeth are better. You look so much better.
She hugs me again. I want her away. Get the fuck away.
Oh, James.
She lets go of me, stares. My Father steps forward. Khakis, blue oxford, blue blazer. A large, expensive watch. He hugs me. I want him away.
How are you, James?
He lets me go.
I’m fine.
You look much better.
I guess so.
Joanne steps forward.
Mr. Frey?
She reaches to shake his hand. He takes it.
Call me Bob.
Joanne nods.
Bob, I’m Joanne. I’m a Psychologist who has been working with your Son.
Dad smiles.
He looks better.
Joanne smiles.
He is better, and he’s on the road toward getting much better.
Dad smiles.
We’re very proud of him for coming here.
Joanne smiles.
You should be.
He nods, looks at me. I look away. Joanne speaks.
Why don’t we sit, get started.
My Mother smiles and she nods. My Father says okay. They take their seats the same seats. I sit on the far side of the table as far away as possible. I hold my hands in my lap they are shaking. I stare straight ahead stare at the surface of a bright white wall. Joanne sits between us, looks at the man in black and nods. The man speaks.
Hi, James. My name is Daniel, and I’m a Counselor at the Family Center.
I stare at the wall.
I’m going to be working with you and your Parents while they’re here.
My hands are shaking.
As I believe you know, we like to start our work in the Family Program by having the individual with Chemical Dependency issues talk to the Family Members about their habits and their use.
My heart my heart my heart. Like a Cannon on a Field of War.
We’d like you to be as honest as possible and you should take as much time as you need.
I nod.
Start whenever you’d like.
I look straight across the table. My Mother and Father are waiting for me.
Before I start, I just want to say that I don’t want to do this, and I wish you hadn’t come here, and I’m sorry you have to hear what I’m about to tell you.
My Father nods and he squeezes my Mother’s hand.
I’ve have been drinking for as long as I can remember. As a young kid, I used to steal sips from beers at football games we went to together and drink leftover glasses of wine at your dinner parties. I don’t know why I did it, I just did. It made me feel better about myself for some reason, and I liked it, liked it more than anything I had ever experienced. I did it as much and as often as I could, which was fairly often. We went to a lot of football games and you guys had a lot of parties.