A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [114]
I appreciate you allowing me to have the Room yesterday.
Don’t mention it.
I was grappling with some things.
You all right now?
I’m better.
There is dense silence. A moment. Miles looks down at the floor, back at me.
It was shame, James.
What?
I am dealing with feelings of great shame, James. That’s why I was in here all day yesterday. It was shame.
You ever need someone to talk about it, I’ll do my best.
Thank you, James. I know you will.
I finish dressing, sit down on my bed. Miles is staring at the floor.
You okay?
He nods. He does not look okay.
I stand, walk over to him, sit down on his bed, put my arms around him, hug him. He hugs me back strong and I can feel the shame coming through his arms. I am a Criminal and he is a Judge and I am white and he is black, but at this moment none of that matters. He is a man who needs a friend and I can be his friend. I wait for him to release me, wait for him to get rid of whatever it is, and after a couple of long minutes he does. I stand and I speak.
You need anything, come find me. I’m not good for much, but I’ll do my best.
He nods.
Thank you, James.
I walk out of the Room and into the Hall and the Hall brings back my anger. Anger because my Parents are here. Anger because I don’t want to see them. I walk into the Unit and I go to do the coffee, but the coffee has been done. I look at the Job Board. The space next to my name reads Family.
I leave the Unit and I walk to the Dining Hall. I get a tray, a plate, a breakfast burrito. I sit down at an empty table. I’m angry and I want to be alone.
I eat quickly. The burrito is stuffed with eggs, bacon, cheese and small clumps of unidentifiable vegetables. It is disgusting, but I eat it anyway. I’d like to eat a hundred of them. The anger is becoming Fury. The Fury is rising.
I finish eating and I leave and I head toward the Lecture Hall. There are men ahead of me and men behind me. I pay them no mind. I just walk. Joanne is waiting for me at the door to the Lecture Hall. She asks me to come to her Office. We walk through the Halls side by side.
How are you today, James?
Fine.
You seem angry.
I am.
Why?
Because I am.
We arrive at her Office. We step inside. She sits in the chair, I sit on the couch.
Your Parents arrived here early this morning. They’ve been settling in at the Family Center. We have a meeting with them in a few minutes.
Great.
You’re not happy about this, are you?
No.
Why?
Because I don’t want to deal with them.
Why?
They make me angry.
Why?
I don’t know why.
There must be specific reasons.
Whatever reasons there are, they’re bullshit. Things like them hassling me or being worried about me, stupid shit that I’ve always deserved.
Do you think your feelings have any real validity?
I don’t know.
How long have you had them?
I’ve been pissed at my Parents for as long as I can remember.
Maybe we can figure out why that is while they’re here.
I doubt it.
Keep in mind that they’re here because they love you and want to help you. This is not an easy thing for them.
I’ll try.
We usually start by sitting everyone down in a Room. If your Parents are going to understand where you are and what they can do to help to you, they need to know what you’ve been doing and to what extent you’ve been doing it. We would like you to tell them.
That’s gonna be a fucking nightmare.
Why do you think that?
My Parents know I drink too much, and they know I do drugs, but they have no idea how much, and they don’t know anything about my legal problems.
How do they not know?
I never told them.
Do you think they’re going to react poorly?
I laugh.
Poorly doesn’t describe how I think they’re going to react.
Whatever their reaction is, we’ll deal with it. That’s why they’re here, that’s why we’re here.
I guess.
I think you’re going to be surprised.
I highly fucking doubt it.
She looks at her watch.
We should go.
She stands. I stand.
Okay.
She opens the door and we leave her Office and we start walking through the Halls. They are bright and they make me angry, with each step I get