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By Root 1136 0

killing myself and I didn’t care. From there I went to London and did the same thing. When I came back to the States and I went down to North Carolina, I started smoking crack again. Crack is an evil and dangerous drug and I smoked as much of it as I could get. I also drank as much as I could drink, which at this point is quite a bit. I don’t remember much of what I did down there because I was so fucked up all the time, but I know I got arrested again. I also know I got arrested in Michigan, though I have no idea what I was doing in Michigan. I skipped Bail in both places, so I guess I’m wanted there as well. For the last six months I’ve just been drinking and smoking and waiting to die.

My Mother is sobbing and my Father is holding her. I don’t wait for her this time, I just want this to end.

I don’t blame you for this, and I don’t think there’s anything you could have done to stop it. I am what I am, which is an Alcoholic and a drug Addict and a Criminal, and I am what I am because I made myself so. You did the best you could with me, and you loved me the best you could, and that’s all I could have ever asked for from you. I have no excuses for what I’ve done or for who I am or for what I’ve put you through all these years.

My Mother starts sobbing. Louder than before and more wrenching. Her makeup is smeared all over her hands and her face and her clothes, and she is having trouble breathing. She clings to my Father, who holds her and stares at the floor. Tears are running from his cheeks and dripping onto his pants, I can see that his lips are quivering. He shakes his head and he starts to look up at me, but he can’t do it.

I sit and watch them. The Fury is in me and has risen it is peaking. I don’t understand why this happens, but every time I’m near them, it does happen. They try to love me, I hurt them. They try to be decent and reasonable, I won’t be decent or reasonable. They try to help me, I resent them for it. I don’t understand why. They are my Parents. They are doing the best they can do.

This is how it has always been with me. Give me something good, I’ll destroy it. Love me, I’ll destroy you. I have never felt deserving of anything in my life. I have never felt as if I were worth the diseased space I occupy. This feeling has inhabited everything I’ve ever done, seen or had anything do with, and it has infected every relationship I have ever had with everyone I’ve ever known. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why it’s here. I hate it as I hate myself, and for whatever the reason, my Parents’ presence has always made it worse. They are only trying to love me, but they have always made it fucking worse.

Joanne stands and she walks over to me and she leans to my ear.

I think we should go.

I look at my Parents. They are still crying. There are tears dripping from my Father’s face and my Mother is having trouble breathing. I would like to do something to make them feel better, but I’m incapable of it. I hate myself too much to do anything.

I stand and I walk out of the room. Joanne is holding the door open and she closes it behind me. As soon as it is shut and as soon as I can no longer see hear feel touch or hurt my Parents, I start to feel better.

We start walking. Joanne doesn’t speak and neither do I. We just walk through the Halls. I think about my Parents sitting in that Room crying because of me and we head toward Joanne’s Office. When we arrive, she opens the door. We walk inside and I sit down on the couch and she sits across from me.

How do feel?

Suicide.

What?

It’s the only word that fits.

You feel like killing yourself?

I won’t, but at this moment, it seems like a reasonable option.

Why?

They’re my Parents. When I’m near them I get so angry that I can’t control myself. That anger makes me hate myself more than I already do, and that makes suicide seem like a reasonable option.

Do you need supervision?

No, I’m too much of a pansy to actually do it.

You think suicide is an act of bravery?

No, I think it’s cowardly, just like I think addiction is cowardly. But I do think