A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [12]
Ken is finished talking to the man and he announces that it’s time for the Lecture so the Men stand and begin filing out. My drugs are wearing off and I need some more so I skip the Lecture and I walk back to the Medical Wing and I get in line. As the line moves forward I start to feel anxious and nervous and angry. With each step closer to the drugs, the feelings become stronger. I can feel my heart beat faster and I look at my hands and they’re shaking and when I get to the counter I can hardly speak. I want something, I need something, I have to have something. Anything at all. Just fucking give it to me.
The Nurse recognizes me and she reaches for a chart and she looks at it and she turns around and she gets my pills from a cabinet. She hands them to me with a small plastic glass of water and I take them as quickly as I can and I step away from the counter and I wait. Almost immediately I feel better. My heart slows, my hands stop shaking, the nervousness, anxiety and anger disappear.
I turn and I leave and I walk toward the Unit and I go to the Lecture Hall where I sit and I listen to a man explain the relationship between a healthy diet and a sound mind. None of it makes any sense because of the drugs and at a certain point the Lecture ends and I stand up and I leave and I go back to the Unit with the rest of the men. One of them looks like a Movie Star and I think I talk to him but I’m not sure. The afternoon and the early evening slide by in a lidded daze where the ability to think in any identifiable way disappears and where every moment seems to be an eternity. Shortly after dinner I climb into bed and for the first time in several years I am conscious of the fact that I’m going to sleep.
Chapter 5
I open my eyes. My Roommates are sleeping and the Room is silent and calm and dark. I sit up and I run my fingers through my hair and I look down at my pillow and I see that it’s covered with blood. I touch my face and I realize that I’m bleeding.
I stand and I slowly walk ten steps to the Bathroom and I open the door and I go inside and I turn on the light. I recoil from the brightness and I close my eyes and as I wait for them to adjust, I step forward and I grab the edges of the sink. I open my eyes and I look up into the mirror and for the first time in five days I see my own face.
My lips are cut and cracked and they are swollen to three times their normal size. On the left side of my cheek a row of crusted scabbed stitches hold a deep, inch-long gash together. My nose is bent and swollen beneath its bandage and red lines stream from my nostrils. There are black and yellow bruises beneath both of my eyes. There is blood, both wet and dry, everywhere.
I reach for a paper towel and I wet it and I begin softly wiping. Streaks criss-cross my cheeks and scabs break and I wince in pain and the towel becomes soaked. I throw it away and I reach for another. I do it again.
I do it again.
I do it again.
I finish and I throw away the last towel and I wash my hands and I watch the red drift from my skin into the sink and down the drain. I turn off the water and I run my hands through my hair and they’re warm and they feel good and I try to look at myself again.
I want to see my eyes. I want to look beneath the surface of the pale green and see what’s inside of me, what’s within me, what I’m hiding. I start to look up but I turn away. I try to force myself but I can’t.
I turn and I walk out of the Bathroom and into the main Room. Larry and Warren and John are all awake and in various stages of dressing. They say hello and I say hello and I walk back to my bed and I get inside of it. As I start to get comfortable, John walks over and stands in front of me.
What are you doing?
What’s it look like I’m doing?
Going back to sleep.
Exactly.
You can’t do that.
Why not?
We gotta go do our jobs.
What jobs?
We each got a job. We get up in the morning and we do our jobs.
Now?
Yeah.
I get out of bed and I follow John into the Upper Level of the Unit. Roy sees me and he walks