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There’s a job, there’s your name. The longer you’re here, the easier the job. Since you just arrived, you have to clean the Group Toilets.

I ask him where the cleaning supplies are and he shows me. As I collect them and I head toward the Group Toilets, he speaks.

Make sure they’re clean.

I will.

Really clean.

I heard you.

I find the Group Toilets, two Bathrooms off the Upper Level that are used by the Counselors, the men who don’t feel like going to their Rooms and Visitors. They are small, with one toilet and one urinal each and one sink each. I go inside and I scrub the toilets and the urinals and the sinks. I take out the trash and replace the toilet paper. I mop the floor. It’s not fun, but I’ve cleaned toilets before, so I don’t mind.

I finish the job and I return the supplies and I go back to my Room and I go to the Bathroom and I get sick. I haven’t had a drink in three days and I haven’t done coke in five so the sickness isn’t as bad as normal, but I’m starting to feel sick in other ways. I close the lid of the toilet and I flush it and I sit down on the toilet seat and I stare at the wall. I wonder what is happening to me.

I stand and begin pacing back and forth across the length of the Bathroom. I cross my arms and begin rubbing my body. I get cold and a chill shoots up my spine. One second I want to cry, one second I want to kill, one second I want to die. I think about running but there’s nowhere to run so I pace and I rub my body and I feel cold.

Larry opens the door and tells me it’s time for breakfast so I leave and I follow him and Warren and John to the Dining Hall and I get in line and I get some food. I find an empty table and I sit down and I begin eating a bowl of warm sugary oatmeal and drinking a glass of water. The feelings have subsided, but not entirely. I think that I’m going insane.

I finish my oatmeal and I sit back in my chair and I look around the Dining Hall and I see Ken talking to a man from my Unit. The man points to me and Ken walks over to my table and he sits down across from me.

You feeling all right?

I’m fine.

Have you done any thinking about our conversation?

Yeah.

Any conclusions?

No.

Keep thinking then.

I will.

You have an appointment this morning with the Dentist.

All right.

I’ll walk you up to the Medical Unit and after you get your meds, I’ll take you to a van. The Driver will take you to your appointment, wait for you and bring you back.

Okay.

Then, after you have lunch, we’re going to have you take a test called the MMPI. It’s a standard psych test that will give us some insight as to how we can help you.

Okay.

He stands.

You ready?

I grab my tray and I stand.

Yeah.

I put my tray away and we leave and we walk back to the Medical Unit. I get my pills and I take them and we go to the front Entrance of the Hospital where a white Transportation Van sits waiting. Ken gives me a jacket so I won’t be cold and we go outside and he slides open the side door of the Van and he talks to the Driver while I climb into the front seat and make myself comfortable. Ken says good-bye and I say good-bye and he shuts the door and the Driver starts to drive and we pull away.

The weather has gotten worse. Black clouds fill the Sky and patches of snow gather along the Ground. What once was green is brown. What once had leaves now has none. It’s cold and it’s winter and the World has gone to sleep.

I stare out the window at the drifting frozen landscape. A mist from my breath collects itself on the glass and I begin to shiver. I huddle up and I look at the Driver who is also huddled up and is driving slowly and watching the Road.

You think we could get some heat in here?

The Driver looks over at me.

You cold?

I return his look.

Goddamn right I’m cold.

He laughs.

It’s coming, Kid. Once the engine is warm, we’ll be warm.

We stop at a lonely intersection where the light is red and the roads are empty and the wind sends scraps of paper and leaves whipping through the air.