A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [120]
I get a tray and I get in line and I get a plate of tuna noodle casserole. I ask for ten, but the Lady in the hairnet says no. I go to the Salad Bar and I get five plates. I put lettuce on one, cottage cheese on another, beets on the third, niblets of corn on the fourth, croutons on the fifth. My tray is full so I get another tray. I put four plates on it, each piled high with portions of pudding, peaches, slices of apple pie and carrot cake. I walk slowly through the Dining Area carrying both trays. They’re heavy and I hear a couple of snickers and I hear a couple of laughs. A voice I don’t know says that’s a sad addiction. I chuckle. I find my friends Ed and Ted and Leonard and Matty and Miles and I sit down with them. Leonard speaks.
Where you been all day?
My Parents are here.
Miles speaks.
Are they here for the Family Program?
Yeah.
How has it been?
Shitty.
Why?
I had to do this confession thing this morning where I told them about all the bad shit I’ve done.
Ed speaks.
What didn’t they know about?
They didn’t know much.
What was the worst?
The crack, and the fact that I’m wanted in three states.
Leonard speaks.
What are you wanted for?
A bunch of shit.
Miles speaks.
Do you have warrants out against you, James?
Yes.
Where?
Michigan, Ohio and North Carolina.
Are you doing anything to take care of them?
Somebody here is trying to do something.
Ted speaks.
When I told my Mamma I smoked the rock she asked if I could get her some.
Everyone laughs.
She did. She said I been hearing all about this crack stuff and I wanna try me some. I got a fifty bag and I smoked with her till her eyes were in the back of her head. She didn’t want no more after that.
Everyone laughs again, though the image of Ted’s Mamma with her eyes in the back of her head is not a funny one. We spend the rest of lunch laughing more, mostly at Matty, who is still struggling to stop swearing. Every third or fourth word he speaks is either goddamn or fuck and is immediately followed by a string of other curses which are directed at himself. Eventually he just stops speaking entirely. By the time lunch is over, the men have devoured the food on all of my plates everything is gone. As we stand to leave, I look across the Dining Hall and through the glass at Lilly. She is smiling at me and the smile hurts. I will not could not don’t want to give that smile up. I won’t give it up. No fucking way.
We walk out of the Dining Hall. My friends head toward the Lecture, I walk through Halls into areas I don’t know, following signs that lead me to the Family Center. I arrive at a door. A sign on the door says Welcome Home. I open it and I go inside.
The white walls are whiter the lightbulbs brighter the paintings hanging happier. They are filled with scenes of Families on picnics in wide open fields of green and wildflowers. The members of the Families in the paintings are smiling, eating French bread, cutting fruit and playing backgammon. Variations of them are along all of the walls. I follow them and they take me to a large open Room. On one side of the Room, the entire wall is glass and it looks out upon the Lake. There are chairs in the Room chairs everywhere. Large plush chairs that look comfortable in their happy patterned upholstery. There are People sitting in the chairs they are talking, smoking, drinking coffee and waiting. Waiting for their Family Members and waiting to get better.
It is easy to tell who is here as part of the Family Program and who is here as part of their own Program. The Family Program People wear cleaner clothes have better haircuts nicer watches sparkling jewelry. Their skin is more flush, their bodies glow, they have flesh on their bones. They have life in their eyes. The rest of us smoke cigarettes and drink cups of coffee, our hands shake and we have bags under our eyes. We move slowly