A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [124]
Your Parents told me about their new smoking policy and they extended it to me. I hope you don’t mind.
I pull out a cigarette.
Not at all.
I reach for an ashtray.
We were talking about our Session this morning. Your Parents have some thoughts and feelings on it, but we thought we’d start with yours.
I light my cigarette, take a drag. I exhale.
I hated this morning.
Joanne looks at me.
I think you need to be more specific and I think you need to tell your Parents, not me.
I look at my Parents. They are holding hands and they are looking at me.
I’m sorry about what I told you this morning. It must have been terrible for you to have to sit through it. As I was doing it, I felt a number of things. The first was anger. Intense anger. I don’t know why, but whenever I’m near you, I feel incredibly and uncontrollably angry. The second feeling I had was horror. Horror because as I get some distance from myself, I’m realizing what a truly horrible Person I am. I’ve hidden a lot from you, as much as I could, and I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you to have sit through the details of my monstrous existence.
I take another drag of my smoke. My Mother moves closer to my Father, my Father holds her a little tighter.
I felt shame, enormous amounts of shame. I felt shame because of who I am, what I’ve done, the way I’ve lived my life, the crimes I’ve committed. I felt shame because you’re good People and you deserve better than me. I felt shame because I hurt you, have hurt you over and over, and every time I did it, including this morning, I knew I was doing it.
I take another drag.
I felt regret for a lot of the same reasons I felt shame. But also because I have wasted so much of my life and so much of your life, and because on some level, it didn’t have to be this way. I don’t know what way it should have been or how I could have changed myself, but I know that my life should not have been the way that it has been. I know that it is entirely my fault.
Another drag.
I felt like I wanted to drink. I felt like I wanted to do drugs. I felt like I wanted large amounts of both of them. I feel that way most of the time though, so I don’t know if it was specific to our conversation. I felt humiliation, disgrace, embarrassment, remorse and sadness.
I finish and I take a final drag of my cigarette and I put it out in the ashtray. My Father is holding my Mother and my Mother is crying. Tears are running down her cheeks, but her breathing is fine and there is no sobbing. Joanne looks at my Parents.
Are you ready?
My Father speaks.
Yes.
Why don’t you tell James how you felt.
My Father takes a deep breath and he looks at me and he speaks. I wish he would look away.
We were upset. Obviously very upset. The first thing I really felt was surprise, and after surprise, I felt shock. I know I work a lot, and I always have, and I’m not around as much as I would like to be, but I had no idea you have been doing some of the things you have been doing and I had no idea as to the extent to which you have been doing them. I think of crack as some horrible Ghetto drug that homeless People and schizophrenics and gang members smoke. I had no idea you did it, and it scares me and it upsets me to think about it. The alcohol. I knew you had a drinking problem, that has been obvious for a very long time, but if you have been getting sick and blacking out for as long as you say you have, and I believe you, you are a very, very serious Alcoholic. I was shocked by the drug dealing. Shocked, horrified and disappointed. If you had been caught you would have gone to Prison for a long time, and you’re lucky you weren’t caught. You also could have been killed, and I sort of think it’s a miracle that you haven’t been. As far as whatever your situations with the Law are now, I don’t really know