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By Root 1142 0

what to say. Obviously your Mother and I don’t want you to go to Prison, and we’ll do whatever we can to help you stay out of it. Aside from shock and surprise, I was disappointed and hurt and very sad. I was disappointed in you and in me and in your Mother. There is something very wrong between us if things have gotten to this point. I was hurt because it hurts to learn things like the things we learned. It hurt because I feel as if I have been lied to and duped for many years, and it hurt to know you thought you had to lie to us and hide things from us. I was mainly sad for you. Sad because you’ve been through some awful things, and no Parent, especially your Mother and me, would ever want that for their Child.

He looks down, takes a breath, looks back at me.

Part of me wanted to wring your neck this morning and part of me still does. Another part of me, the part I’m trying to let stay in control, wants to give you a hug and tell you everything’s going to be all right. Another part of me says I should just give up and let you do whatever it is you’re gonna do.

My Father stares at me, I look away. He turns to my Mother, who is staring at the floor. He pulls her in tight, reassuring her through his arms. I speak.

Dad.

He looks back at me.

I’m sorry.

I am too, James. I am too.

He looks back at my Mother. Her tears have stopped, though they have streaked her face.

Lynne.

My Mother nods.

Are you ready?

Mother nods again and she looks as if she’s going to break down.

Take your time.

She pulls away from him slightly and she straightens herself out. She wipes her face with a tissue and she takes a deep breath.

Aside from the days when my Parents and my Brother and my Sister died, this morning was the worst morning of my life. I hated it. I hated hearing about all that stuff. I hated thinking about you having done it. I hated thinking about all the lies and the deception. I hated thinking about the drugs. I hated the stuff with the Police. I hated the drinking. I hated thinking it had been going on for so long. I hated everything about this morning.

She is crying. She wipes her face with her tissue again and she takes a deep breath.

I don’t know why you do these things. I don’t know what drives you to do such terrible things. It makes me think that I’m a terrible Mother and a terrible Person and that I haven’t done anything right ever. It makes me hate myself.

Her breathing is becoming more labored. She wipes her face again.

I was shocked and hurt and scared. I feel like I don’t know who you are. I don’t know who you are and that’s awful. You’re my Son. You’re my Son.

She breathes, cries, wipes.

I’m angry at you for all of this. It’s such a mess. Crack and blacking out and selling drugs and fighting with the Police and Jail. It’s just such a mess. It’s my worst nightmare.

Cries become sobs. Tears a flood.

It makes me feel like a jerk for letting it happen and for defending you for all these years. Whenever anyone said anything bad about you, I defended you and told them they were wrong. I guess I was wrong.

She doesn’t bother wiping the tears anymore.

I had so many dreams for you.

She sobs.

You could have been anything you wanted. Anything.

Sobs.

And you’re this.

Sobs.

This.

My Father puts his arms around her. She buries her face in his chest. She wails and she heaves, she clutches the sleeves of his shirt. I sit and I watch and I wait. I don’t know what to do. I want to give my Parents a hug and tell them I’m sorry, but I can’t. I want to beg for their forgiveness, but it’s not going to happen. I want to take their hands and tell them everything is going to be okay, but that’s not a promise I know I can make. I sit and I watch and I wait. I don’t know what to do. I want to touch them, but I can’t.

My Mother continues to cry. She cannot will not is unable to stop. My Father holds her and he stares at the floor over her shoulder. Joanne stands and she walks to me and she leans to my ear.

I think you should go.

I stand.

You have a meeting with Daniel and your Parents tomorrow morning. It’s in the