A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [130]
We are beneath the blanket. We slide to the ground it is no longer cold. She is on me and I am on her side by side our hands wandering along the length of the other. Our hands meet. Embrace. Hold. Our hands. A current connected physically and otherwise.
She slips her hand away out of mine and it moves down my chest, my stomach, beneath my stomach, down. I like it there feel it there want it there but fear interlopes great fear I am scared. I push her hand away gently push it away. We are still together our lips meeting she moves her hand back I push it away. I am scared. Great overwhelming fear. Fear near panic fear. She pulls our lips apart she speaks.
What’s wrong?
I can’t go any further.
You’re shaking.
I know.
Why?
I’m scared.
Of what?
Everything.
What’s that mean?
I’m just scared.
Of me?
No.
She pulls me closer.
I’m not gonna hurt you.
I know.
I’m not gonna leave you.
I know.
Tell me why you’re scared.
I look at her face close to me. At her eyes clear blue. Even in the dark they are clear water blue.
I’ve never done this before.
What?
What I think we’re going to do.
What do you mean?
I’ve never done it before.
You’ve never had sex?
I have, but not like this.
What do you mean?
Never sober.
What about that Girlfriend?
Never.
Why?
I don’t know.
I’m not gonna hurt you.
I know.
Why?
I take a deep breath. I’m scared. I speak.
She was a virgin when I met her. She had been saving herself until she fell in love. After a couple of months she decided that she was ready. We talked about it and we set a date and we went out for a fancy Dinner. I was really nervous, so I drank through the whole date before to try and calm myself down. When we got back to her Room she had candles burning and flowers on her bed and classical music playing on her stereo and it was like something out of a silly movie. We started fooling around, and when it came time, I couldn’t get it up. I wanted to more than anything in my whole life, but I couldn’t do it because I was scared and I was drunk.
I take another breath, start to shake more, feel more scared. I hate the memories and I hate myself for creating them.
We tried again and again and again. We tried every night for a couple of weeks and I could never do it. Each time I failed I felt worse and worse and more and more humiliated and embarrassed. She was offering herself to me, and I couldn’t take her because I was impotent. Every time we tried I was fucking impotent.
We stayed together for a while, but we weren’t really together, we were just sort of each other’s habit. In her case it was a bad habit, in my case it was a good one. The last time we tried to have sex I decided to tell her that I loved her. I thought that if I did that it would make my fear go away and everything would work. We were naked and in bed and I was okay and I looked into her eyes. She had these eyes, very blue, not like yours, but lighter and more like ice, and I looked into them and I said I love you. She didn’t say anything back. She just stared at me with those eyes, and they were cold and empty and far away, and they looked as if what I had said had made them sick. I said it again and she pushed me off of her and she got out of bed and she went to the Bathroom. When she came back she smiled and she said I think you’re a very special person and she kissed me on the cheek and she turned over and went to sleep.
I take a deep breath.
I had thought for a long time that if I could be with her that she would be enough to make me straighten myself out. I had thought for a long time that somehow she could save me. When I was impotent with her, and I knew I had failed and it was over, I knew that I would never be anything but a drunk impotent embarrassing Asshole and that I might as well start seriously trying to kill myself with alcohol and drugs. So I did, and everywhere I went I saw her eyes, and when I think of