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I get a tray and I get in line and I get a plate of chicken casserole. It is covered in crispy Chinese noodles and unidentifiable greens. I walk toward a table I look through the glass. She is still staring at me. Her friends are staring at me. The entire table is staring at me.

I sit down with Ed and Ted and Matty. The subject of the conversation is Ed, who found out this morning that he is leaving tomorrow. He is going back to Detroit, going back to work in the Steel Mill. He is happy and hopeful. He knows that his Union insurance won’t pay for him to go through Treatment again, and he feels as if this time it might actually work, or he might actually work at making it work. He is anxious to see his Sons. He has four of them. He knows that he has set a horrible example for them, and he wants them to see that he has changed for the better. He feels that the change will make a positive difference in their lives, that it will help prevent them from growing up to be anything like himself. Ed is hard man. Big, strong, tough as the material he works with, and I have never seen him be vulnerable in any sense of the word, but as he talks of his Sons, his eyes get soft and wet. He wants them to have a good life, a life better than his life has been. He wants them to finish School and stay out of Jail, go to College and get white-collar Jobs. He wants them to have Families, and when they do, to have an example of how to be a good man within those Families. He wants them to have everything he never had, and he wants to stay sober so that he can give it to them. He says he needs to do one thing, which is stay out of Bars. If he goes to Bars, he knows he will drink. If he drinks, he knows he will fight. If he fights, he knows he’ll be in trouble. His Union won’t support him if he gets into trouble again. He wants to set an example for his Children so they don’t end up like him. He knows this may be his last chance. He is happy and hopeful.

We finish eating. As we walk out of the Dining Hall, I look through the glass at the table where Lilly was sitting. Lilly is not there. The table is empty. I don’t know why, but she was looking at me as if she wished I were dead.

We walk through the Halls together. Matty and Ed and Ted discuss the absence of Leonard and Miles at dinner. They laugh about what they might be doing together. A Mobster and a Judge. Ed says he saw them sitting on the benches in front of the Lake, that they looked deep in conversation. Ted says Leonard is asking Miles for some sort of Immunity in relation to something that Leonard has done. Matty says whatever they’re doing it ain’t none of our business. We split up and they go to the Lecture and I go to Joanne’s Office.

Joanne is sitting behind her desk. I say hello to her, she says hello to me. My Mother is sitting on the couch. She stands, says hello, gives me a hug. I hug her back. I am still not comfortable touching her, and I am still not comfortable having her touch me, but I know it’s better if I let it happen. She hugs me tight. I wait. She lets go of me. I feel better.

Where’s Dad?

My Mother speaks.

He had a call he had to make for work. He’ll be here as soon as he’s done.

Everything all right?

I think so.

I look at Joanne.

What are we doing tonight?

We’re going to talk about the source of your addiction and what the root causes might be.

Do we wait for my Dad to do that?

Yes.

What do we do till then?

Your Mother was just telling me a story.

About what?

The first time she really believed you might be in trouble.

I look at my Mother.

When was it?

Do you remember when I found that bag of marijuana in your jacket pocket?

I chuckle.

Yeah.

Why are you laughing?

I don’t know.

It wasn’t funny, James.

I know, Mom.

Joanne speaks.

Did you find it funny, James?

Sort of.

Why don’t you tell me your version of it.

I look at my Mother, she looks tense. I wait for a moment, collect my memories, speak.

I was fourteen. I had been away at Soccer