A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [143]
My Mother stands and gives him a hug. I do the same. My Father sits next to my Mother. He holds her hand and he looks at Joanne.
Sorry I’m late.
We were talking about an event that happened when James was fourteen, and that discussion led to one about the issue of control. The goal of this evening’s session is to try and get some idea of a root cause for his addiction. I’m sensing that there may be some connection between the issue of control and the root cause.
What was the incident?
My Mother speaks.
When I found that bag of marijuana in his coat pocket.
Which time?
The time I fell trying to slap him.
My Father nods.
That was bad. What does control have to do with it?
Joanne speaks.
James said he thought the incident had more to do with control than with drugs.
My Father turns toward me. He looks confused, slightly angry.
That sounds a bit ridiculous, James.
I speak.
Not to me. Going through all my stuff and reading my letters and hunting through my jacket is about trying to find out what I’m doing so that Mom could try to control it.
There were drugs in there. Your Mother had every right to go through your jacket. You were fourteen years old.
That’s fine if that’s what you think, but spying on me and sneaking around through my private shit was about controlling me, which is something you guys always tried to do.
My Father’s voice rises.
You’ve been out of control your entire life. We’re your Parents, what did you expect us to do?
My voice rises.
Leave me be. Let me live my own life.
When you were fourteen? Where do you think you’d be if we’d done that?
Where the fuck am I now? It couldn’t be much worse than this.
Parents don’t leave Children alone, James, they raise them. That’s all your Mother and I tried to do with you.
You tried to micromanage me and keep track of me every second of every day and make me do what you wanted me to do.
My Father clenches his jaw just like I clench my jaw. He’s angry, very angry, and he starts to speak. Joanne cuts him off.
Just a second, Mr. Frey.
He takes a breath and he nods. She looks at me.
Why do you think it didn’t work?
Same reason that if you keep a dog on a short leash it’s more aggressive. Same reason if you keep a Prisoner in solitary for too long they become violent. Same reason Dictatorships usually end in Revolution.
Those are nice examples, but what’s the reason?
I didn’t want to be controlled, so I did everything I could to try to break the pattern of it, which made them want to control me more.
Joanne looks at my Parents.
Do you think there is any validity to what he’s saying?
My Father speaks.
No.
My Mother speaks.
Yes.
My Father looks at my Mother.
Why do you think that?
You know I always worried about him, even when he was an infant I worried. I probably tried to keep him too close because I didn’t want him to get hurt.
Joanne speaks.
You have another Son, right?
My Mother nods, my Father says yes.
Did you raise him the same way?
My Father nods, speaks.
Yes.
My Mother speaks.
No.
What was the difference?
I was much more careful with James than I was with Bob. I knew we weren’t going to have any other Children, and I wanted James to be perfect and healthy and safe. I can’t say it any other way. I wanted him to be safe.
That’s natural, but do you think you tried to keep him too safe?
My Father speaks.
Too safe? Is that possible with a Child?
Joanne nods.
Yes, it is.
My Mother speaks.
How?
Everyone has boundaries. They’re different for every Person, but we all have them. When they’re crossed or violated, it is usually upsetting. If they are crossed or violated repeatedly, especially in the case of a Child, who usually has no way of controlling whether someone crosses or violates his boundaries, it can result in negative behaviors, the easiest example being the resentment of authority.
My Father speaks.
That sounds absurd to me. Children’s boundaries are set by their Parents, and the Child learns to respect them, not the other way around.