A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [144]
Joanne speaks.
Not necessarily.
What do you mean?
Children learn more in the first two years of their life than they do in all of the rest of their years combined, even if they live to be a hundred. Most behavioral patterns, including our personal boundaries, are set during those first two years. Sometimes the pattern of establishment of those behaviors and boundaries is disrupted.
By what?
Generally by abuse.
My Father flares.
If you’re suggesting—
Joanne holds her hand up.
I’m not suggesting anything, and when I brought up the possibility of abuse with James, he very adamantly insisted that he had not suffered from any. I’m telling you how this sometimes happens.
My Mother speaks.
We did protect James more than our other Son, but I think we had good reason, and I don’t think we violated anything.
Joanne looks at her, waits for her to continue.
Bob is three years older than James. Just after Bob was born, my Father retired, and after he retired he started drinking heavily. It was very difficult for my Mother and my Brother and my Sister and me. We tried to stop him, but he just told us to leave him alone, that he had spent his whole life taking care of us and now he wanted to be left alone. I had heard about Alcoholism being passed from generation to generation, so when James was born I was scared to death. I don’t know if it was female intuition or what, but for some reason I didn’t worry about Bob, I just worried about James.
I speak.
Grandpa was an Alcoholic?
My Father looks at my Mother, my Mother speaks.
I don’t know if he was an Alcoholic, but he had a drinking problem.
Joanne speaks.
Did you not know that, James?
My Father speaks.
It’s not something we have ever really spoken about.
Why?
It was a very sad and devastating situation. We try to remember Lynne’s Father as he was for the greater part of his life, which was a kind and gentle and generous man, rather than what he was near the end of it.
Joanne speaks.
As Lynne mentioned, it has been proven that there is a link between the disease of Alcoholism and genetics. Don’t you think it might have helped James to know that he might have, and in my opinion, most probably does have, a genetic predisposition toward addiction?
I speak.
I don’t think knowing about my Grandfather would have made any difference. I didn’t drink and do drugs because of some genetic flaw.
Joanne speaks.
Why are you so quick to dismiss what has been proven empirically to exist?
I think it’s bullshit. People don’t want to accept the responsibility for their own weakness, so they place the blame on something that they’re not responsible for, like disease or genetics. As far as studies go, I could prove I was from Mars if you gave me enough time and enough resources.
My Mother speaks.
It certainly might help explain a lot of these things for us.
I think it’s interesting that Grandpa had a drinking problem. I’m surprised to learn it, because I have only heard great things about him. I think it sucks, and it must have been awful for everyone to have to deal with him, just like it has been awful to have to deal with me, but I won’t blame him or his genes for my problems.
My Father speaks.
What’s your explanation?
I was weak and pathetic and I couldn’t control myself. An explanation, especially a bullshit one, doesn’t alter the circumstances. I need to change, I have to change, and at this point, change is my only option, unless I am ready to die. All that matters is that I make myself something else and someone else for the future.
Joanne speaks.
Don’t you think knowing why you are the way you are might help you in the process of that change?
I think I do know why.
Would you like to share your ideas with us?
Not really.
Why?
Because it will hurt and upset my Parents, and I think I’ve done enough of that.
My Mother speaks.
I think we’d like to hear, James.
My Father speaks.
We definitely would.
I look at them, take a deep breath, speak.
I’ve always felt these things. I don’t think there are any words that describe them exactly, but they are a combination