A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [176]
I set down the book and I close my eyes. I don’t feel peace and I don’t feel chaos. I don’t have hope nor do I lack it. I am not anxious and I am not in a hurry. What I feel isn’t time slipping away it is simply time passing as it does and as it should pass. What is going to happen is going to happen. It is simply life and the events that occur during the term of life. Just as I am accepting that I am on my bed right now in this moment unmoving and still my eyes closed and my body quiet, I will accept the events of my life as they come. I will deal with them. Good and bad they will both come. I will accept them in the way that I am accepting myself right now. Let them come.
I open my eyes and I pick up the book and I read more. I read words like harmony, contentment, humility, understanding, intuition, nourishment. I read words like open, fluid, receptive, balanced, core. I read that if you close your mind in judgments and traffic in desire your heart will be troubled. I read that if you keep your mind from judging and aren’t led by the senses your heart will find peace. I read close your mouth, block your senses, blunt your sharpness. I read untie your knots soften your glare settle your dust. I read that if you want to know the World, look inside your heart. I read that if you want to know yourself, look inside your heart. I set the book down I set it against my chest. I close my eyes my bed feels warm and soft against my back. I don’t move I just lie there warm and soft against my back. Quietly breathing.
Thinking.
Not thinking.
Of me.
Of the World.
As it is.
The bed is soft and warm against my back.
I lie there.
The door opens I hear it. It has been a while I don’t know how long. I hear the door and I open my eyes and Miles comes in his eyes are swollen. I sit up.
What’s going on?
He walks to his bed, sits down.
I’ve been on the phone with my Wife for the last hour and a half.
How’d it go?
He looks down and he shakes his head. I stand up and I walk over to him and I lean over and I put my arms around him and I hug him. He hugs me back and he starts crying. I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing. I hug him and I let him hug me and I hope that somehow and in whatever way, I am helping him. I don’t know what his Wife said, but I know he needs help. His crying becomes sobbing becomes violent sobbing. He squeezes me tight. I have my arms around him they are my only weapon against his grief. We sit and he cries and I hold him. Whatever has happened has happened he’ll talk about it if he wants to talk my arms are my only weapon. We sit and Miles cries.
Violent sobs become sobs becomes crying. He stops. The Room is silent. It is getting dark the Sun is down the last streaks of fading light slip through our window. He pulls away and he asks me if he can be alone. I stand and I leave the Room. I close the door behind me.
I walk into the Unit, and it is a madhouse. There is a man in a blue jumpsuit installing a cable box on top of the television. There are other men dressed in white pants and white shirts and white shoes setting up banquet tables. Most of the men of the Unit are standing in small groups talking about what’s going on and why these people are here. I hear one of the men ask the Cableman why he is here and the Cableman says I am not at liberty to discuss it. I hear another ask one of the Caterers and the Caterer says I am not at liberty to discuss it.
I get a cup of coffee light a cigarette look for somewhere to sit down. I want to sit down alone. As I start to look for an empty chair, a man steps from the Phone Booth and calls my name. I say what and he tells me I have a phone call. I ask him who it is and he says he doesn