A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [20]
I get out of bed and I walk to the Bathroom and I take a shower and I dry myself off and the pain hits me and I drop to my knees and I crawl to the toilet and I get sick. The sickness is worse than usual. Thicker, bloodier, more chunks of stomach, more painful. Each wrenching ejection burns my throat and sends a sharp pain through my chest and makes me feel as if I’m choking. It makes me feel as if I’m choking and I almost wish I was because then it would stop. I just want it to stop.
The sickness ends and I sit down on the floor and I lean back against the front of the toilet. Waves of emotion begin streaming through me and I can feel the welling of tears. Everything that I know and that I am and everything that I’ve done begins flashing in front of my eyes. My past, my present, my future. My friends, my enemies, my friends who became enemies. Where I’ve lived, where I’ve been, what I’ve seen, what I’ve done. What I’ve ruined and destroyed.
I start to cry. Tears begin running down my face and quiet sobs escape me. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know why I’m here and I don’t know how things ever got this bad. I try to find answers but they aren’t there. I’m too fucked up to have answers. I’m too fucked up for anything. The tears come harder and sobs become louder and I curl up on the cold tile floor and I hug myself. I hug myself and I wail and it’s morning and I’m somewhere in Minnesota and I haven’t had a drink in five days and I don’t know what the fuck is happening to me.
The tears stop and the sobs stop and I sit up and I wipe my face. I can hear talking outside and I don’t want to be seen this way so I stand up and I take a deep breath and I tell myself I’m all right and I leave.
I walk into the Room. Warren and John are standing by Larry’s bed. Warren hears me and he looks over at me.
Have you seen Larry?
No.
His stuff is gone.
I haven’t seen him.
We think he left.
I don’t know what to tell you.
We’re going to find the Counselors to tell them. If you see him, will you send him after us?
Yeah.
They leave and I walk to my bed and as I put on my clothes, I think about Larry. He’s gone. Definitely gone and definitely not coming back. He’s out, alone in the cold, probably on the side of a Highway, carrying his bags, his thumb out and raised. He’s thinking of his Wife and his beautiful little Girls. He wants to see them and hold them and hug them and kiss them. He wants to tell them he’s sorry and that everything is all right, that he’s ready to be the Husband and the Father he knows he could’ve been. He’s praying that they don’t have what he has because if they do, they’re dead. Maybe not tomorrow or next week or next month or next year, but sooner or later they’re dead, and they’re dead because of him. Bless you, Larry, my thoughts are with you. May you make it home safe, may your Wife and Daughters be HIV-negative, may the rest of your days on this Earth be the happiest you’ve known. Bless you, Larry. Bless you.
I finish dressing and I leave the Room. I collect the cleaning supplies and I go the Group Toilets and though they don’t seem dirty, I get down on my knees and I start cleaning them.
Hey.
I turn around. Roy is standing at the door.
You did a shitty job yesterday.
I lay down my sponge.
What?
I stand.
You did a shitty job yesterday.
Roy steps forward.
They looked clean to me.
He steps forward again.
They were dirty. Do a better job today or I’m telling on you.
The Bathroom is small.
You hear me. You clean these toilets well or I’m telling on you.
I feel trapped.
I’ll clean them well. I promise.
Like a rat in a cage.
YOU’LL CLEAN THEM BETTER THAN WELL. YOU’LL MAKE THEM SPARKLE OR I’M GETTING YOU THROWN OUT.
Like a rat in a cage who wants to get out.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE.
He steps forward again. I can smell his breath, feel his spit on my cheeks. The Fury rises.
I’LL GET YOU THROWN