A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [21]
I reach up and I grab Roy by the throat and I squeeze and I throw him against the wall of the Bathroom and he hits with a thud and he starts screaming.
HELP HELP HELP HELP.
I grab him again and I shove him through the door. He hits the wall outside the door and he slumps to the ground and he continues screaming.
HELP HELP HELP HELP.
I step through the door and I stand over him.
How clean are the toilets now, Motherfucker?
I wanna beat him.
HELP HELP HELP HELP.
I wanna kick his fucking face in.
How clean are the toilets now, Motherfucker?
I want to tear his limbs off and stuff them down his fucking throat.
HELP HELP HELP HELP.
I want to kill him. Reduce him to crushed bone, torn flesh and blood.
HOW CLEAN ARE THEY NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?
Fucking kill him.
HOW CLEAN ARE THEY NOW?
HELP HELP HELP HELP.
Two men rush into the Hall and they grab me and they pull me back. I push them away.
DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME.
More come. They lift Roy to his feet, stand between us, stare at me as if I’m a monster. I stare back. I stare through them and straight at Roy.
He attacked me, he’s crazy, get him away from me.
Roy is crying and sobbing. Tears are streaming down his face and he’s breathing quickly and heavily. The men try to comfort him.
I came to help him with the toilets, I just wanted to help and he attacked me. I didn’t do anything wrong.
They stare at me. Stare at me as if I’m a monster.
I turn and I walk back to my Room and it’s empty and I begin pacing and my body shakes and I try to control myself. Half of me wants to go back to the Hall and fight whoever is there and either destroy or be destroyed, half of me wants to hide. All of me wants the liquor and the wine and the coke and the crack and the glue and the gasoline that I had in my dream.
The Fury has risen. I pace and I shake and I try to control myself. I need to calm down, but I don’t know how. The outlets I depend on, use for survival and have become addicted to are gone, replaced by Doctors and Nurses and Counselors and Rules and Regulations and Pills and Lectures and Mandatory Meals and Jobs in the morning and none of them do a fucking thing for me. Not one fucking thing.
I stop pacing. I stare at the floor. I ball my fists and I squeeze and every cell in my body tenses and prepares and it’s coming the Fury is coming and I don’t know what to do or where to go or how to stop it and it’s coming and it’s coming and it comes. Explosion.
I scream. I see a bed. I grab the end of the bed and I lift it and I flip it and the mattress goes and I grab the simple metal frame and I lift it and I throw it down with everything everything everything and it snaps but it’s not enough so I stomp it stomp it stomp it and it snaps again again again and there are only broken bars and bolts and screws and I’m screaming and it feels good and I’m just getting started. I move to a nightstand. I pull out the drawers and throw and they’re on the other side of the Room and they’re no longer drawers but pieces of drawers and the nightstand is still there so I pick it up and I slam it and it’s just pieces of a nightstand.
There is someone by the door and that someone is yelling but I don’t hear him. I am beyond hearing, beyond sight, beyond feeling, beyond thinking. I am deaf, dumb and blind. Unconscious, unaware and uncontrollable.
There is a dresser, there are pieces of a dresser. There is another bed and I flip it and I destroy it. There is more yelling and then there are Men in White and there are arms and they’re holding me and I’m screaming.
There is a needle.
Chapter 7
I am in a new Room. It is simple and white and empty, but for a bed. I don’t know how I got here or how long I have been here or what day it is or what time it is. I do know that I’m still at the Clinic. I know this because I can hear the screams. The screams of the Addicted without their addictions. The screams of the dead who are somehow still alive.
I lie on my back and I stare at the ceiling. I have been sick twice today but it wasn’t bad.