A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [22]
I am waiting for someone to come and tell me that it is time for me to leave. I am trying to decide what I’m going to do. I have no place to live, nowhere to go. I have no money, no resources, no job. I have no hope for money, no hope for resources, no hope for a job. I have no self-confidence, no self-esteem, no sense of self-worth. My sense of self-preservation was gone a long time ago. I won’t bother with my Parents or my Brother or the few friends I have left. They will write me off once I leave here. I will write me off once I leave here.
There is a knock at the door and I ignore it. There is another knock and I ignore it again. I don’t want to see anybody or speak to anybody or have anything to do with anybody. I need to decide what I’m going to do.
The door opens and Ken and a man and a woman walk in and I sit up. The man is taller than Ken and his body is thick with muscle and he has short black spiky hair. He wears large black boots, faded black jeans and a black shirt that has a picture of a Harley on the front and reads Ride Hard, Ride Sober. His arms are covered with tattoos and his knuckles are covered with scars. The woman is short and plump and she has long gray hair pulled into a ponytail and she looks like Mona Lisa. She wears thick baggy clothing and wool socks and Birkenstocks and she wears silver rings on her fingers and a turquoise pendant around her neck. I see no tattoos and I see no scars. Ken speaks.
Hi, James.
Hi.
Mind if we sit down?
I don’t care.
Ken sits on the end of the bed, the woman sits cross-legged on the floor, the man stands. Ken speaks.
This is Lincoln.
He motions to the man. The man stares at me.
He’s the Unit Supervisor on Sawyer.
I stare back.
And this is Joanne.
Lincoln stares at me.
She’s a Staff Psychologist.
I stare back.
We’d like to talk about what happened yesterday.
Lincoln stares, I stare back.
Then talk.
Lincoln speaks. His voice is deep and hard, sounds like a rusty metal spike.
We want you to talk. We wanna hear your side of things.
You gonna throw me out of here?
Ken looks at Lincoln, Lincoln looks at Joanne. Joanne speaks.
Right now we just want to talk.
Where should I start?
Lincoln speaks.
Where did the trouble start?
I had a dream, a bad dream, and it completely fucked me up. I guess it started there.
Ken speaks.
What was the dream?
I was in a Room alone and I didn’t know where I was or how I got there and I was drinking and doing drugs and I got annihilated. It seemed real and when I woke up I was scared.
Joanne speaks.
You had a User Dream.
What’s a User Dream?
When Alcoholics and Addicts stop drinking and using drugs, their subconscious minds still crave them. That craving is sometimes manifested in dreams that can seem startlingly real and, in a sense, are real. Although you didn’t use, some part of your mind did. You’ll probably continue to have them for as long as a year.
That’ll be fun.
Lincoln speaks.
Then what?
He’s staring at me.
I went to the Bathroom and I got sick and I felt worse. I tried to look at my face and I got sick in a different way and I felt worse again. Then I went to clean the Toilets.
He’s still staring.
And then you attacked Roy.
I turn, stare back.
Roy got in my face. I got him out of my face.
Ken speaks.
Why’d he get in your face?
No idea.
He just did it?
He’s been giving me shit the whole time I’ve been here. I have no idea why.
What’s he been doing?
Telling me I’m breaking all the Rules, telling me I’m doing everything wrong, telling me he’s gonna get me thrown out of here.
Lincoln speaks.
And you don’t like that, do you?
I didn’t do anything. He had no right to say shit to me.
And did you have any right to attack him?
Once he got in my face I did.
What if I got in your face?
I’d get you out of it.
Lincoln stares.
The Tough Guy act isn’t gonna get you very far.
I stare back.
Won’t get you very far either.
Ken