A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [39]
I find a gun beneath a large bag of cocaine. I pick it up and hold it in my hand. It is a thirty-eight-caliber revolver. It is a gun I have held in my hand before, a gun that I know how to use. I sit down in the chair and I open the cylinder. The cylinder is full, there is a bullet in every chamber. I close the cylinder and I spin it and the clicking noise of the spin makes me smile. I have held this type of gun before and I know how to use it. A thirty-eight-caliber revolver.
I put the barrel in my mouth. The barrel is cold and it is dirty and the metal tastes good in my mouth. I spin the cylinder again. The click click click click click makes me smile. Every chamber is full. There is no doubt as to the outcome. The cylinder stops. I hook my thumbs around the trigger. I am full of booze, coke, crack, glue and gas. I am fucked up beyond comprehension. My thumbs are twitching, twitching, twitching. Boom.
I wake, eyes open to the ceiling, shaking and short of breath. I reach for my nose and there is a drop of blood beneath my nostril. My head is spinning and I’m dizzy. My stomach is on fire. I am fucked up beyond comprehension.
I get out of bed and I walk to the Bathroom. I am having trouble walking and I fall through the door. Warren is standing at the sink brushing his teeth and someone is in the shower. I start gagging and as I gag, I crawl to the front of the toilet. When I get to the toilet, I vomit. The vomit is full of bile and brown shit that I have never seen before. It is full of blood. It burns my stomach, my throat and my mouth. It burns my lips and my face. It won’t stop. I heave and it comes, the burning vomit comes and comes again and again. It keeps coming. I want it to stop, but it won’t.
Warren steps over and kneels down and he puts his arm around me and he tries to hold me steady. The Bald Man has stepped from the shower and he is staring at me and he is stunned by the violence of my sickness. It keeps coming. It keeps coming and coming. It won’t stop. It won’t fucking stop.
My heart is racing and it’s racing irregularly and there is pain with every beat and there is pain with every irregular beat and the pain shoots through my left arm and the left side of my jaw. The liquid has stopped flowing through my body and out of my mouth, but the action of vomiting has not stopped. It feels as if my stomach and my throat are coming out or they are trying to come out. It feels as if my body is trying to rid itself of itself. It is trying to rid itself of me.
I can’t do this anymore. I cannot continue to live this way. I am an Alcoholic and I am drug Addict and I am a Criminal. My body is falling apart and my mind fell apart a long time ago. I want to drink and I want to smoke crack even though I know drinking and smoking crack are killing me. I am alone. I have no one to talk to and no one to call. I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I can’t look myself in the eye. I hate myself so much that suicide seems like a reasonable option. My Family is ready to write me off, my friends are ready to write me off, I have destroyed every meaningful relationship I’ve ever had. I am vomiting for the seventh time today. The seventh fucking time. I cannot continue to live this way. I cannot continue to live this way.
The gagging slows down and I start breathing. Warren is holding me steady and the Bald Man is staring at me. I raise my hand and I motion for Warren to step away and he stands and he steps away and I lean my head