A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [38]
I still think about Michelle and I still miss her. I wish I could hear her voice or hear her laugh or see her smile. I wish I could sit next to her or call her or pass her a note. I wish I could smell her, touch her hair, look into her eyes. I wish I could hear her say calm down, it’s not worth it. I wish I could hear her say walk away, don’t give them the pleasure. I wish I could hear her say it’s okay, Jimmy, everything is going to be okay. I wish I could tell her I love her because I did and I do and I never did it when she was still alive. She was my only friend. She got hit by a Train and killed.
I don’t believe she’s in Heaven and I don’t believe she’s in a better place. She’s dead and when we’re dead, we’re gone. There are no blinding lights, there is no happy music, there are no Angels waiting to greet us. St. Peter is not at the Pearly Gates with a big fat fucking book, our friends and Relatives are not holding a seat for us at some divine dinner table, we do not get a tour of Heaven. We are dead and that is it. No more. That does not, however, prevent me from talking to Michelle. I talk to her and I ask her questions and I tell her about my life. I tell her I miss her and I tell her that I think about her every day and I tell her that I love her. I tell her that I’m still throwing back and that I’m still throwing hard and that I’m still throwing for her. I will always throw for her. Always.
I talk to Michelle and I tell her these things in the worst times of my life. I talk to Michelle and I tell her these things when I no longer have hope. I talk to Michelle and I tell her these things when I feel as if I’m going to die. I know that when I’m dead I’ll be dead and I know that I’m close to death now. I know it is simple, and that when I die there will be no more. I know I’ll never meet Michelle in Heaven or anywhere else, but I talk to her anyway. I have been talking to her a lot lately.
The shower door opens and someone steps inside and I am brought back from my mind and my loneliness, brought back to this moment this now this goddamn shower. I open my eyes and John is standing in front of me. I stand and I stare at him. We are both naked. I speak.
What the fuck are you doing?
No one else is up yet.
What the fuck are you doing in here?
I heard you and thought you might want some company.
Get the fuck out of here.
I won’t tell anyone. I promise.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
John steps out of the shower and he shuts the door. I step out of the shower behind him and I reach for a towel and I wrap it around my waist. The Bathroom is filled with steam and the sink and the toilets are dripping with condensation. John is sitting on the radiator with a towel on his lap. He looks nervous and scared, like a little puppy expecting to get smacked.
I’m sorry.
Don’t do that again.
A lot of men in here get lonely. You seemed lonely to me.
I’m not.
I’m sorry.
Don’t be sorry, just don’t do it again.
Do you hate me?
No, I don’t hate you, and I don’t care what you do with other people. Just don’t expect to do it with me.
Are you gonna hit me?
No, I’m not gonna hit you.
Sometimes People hit me.
I’m not gonna hit you.
You can hit me if you want to.
I’m not gonna hit you.
John starts crying.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Don’t be sorry, just don’t do it again.
I pick up my clothes and I walk out of the Bathroom and I go to my section of the Room and I dry myself off and I get dressed. I can hear John whimpering in the Bathroom, Warren and the Bald Man are still sleeping, the Storm is still at full strength. When I finish dressing, I lie down on top of my bed and I am surprised by how tired I am and I close my eyes and I am asleep.
The dream comes fast. I am back in the Room