A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [42]
That’s the worst fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
It sucked.
Sucked isn’t the word I would use.
It fucking sucked.
He laughs, sets down his fork.
Where the fuck did they make you, Kid?
What’s that mean?
Where does someone like you come from?
I’ve lived a lot of places.
Like where?
Why do you care?
Just wondering.
Stop wondering.
Why?
I don’t want to make friends here.
Why?
I don’t like good-byes.
You gotta say them though.
No, you don’t.
I stand and I take my tray and I get back in line and I get more food and I get more napkins and I make my way toward an empty table in the corner and I sit down and I eat my food. I eat slower this time. With each bite I take I feel my stomach expanding. It is an awful, uncomfortable feeling, but I can’t stop. I take bite after bite, I feel worse and worse. I look at the food and I don’t want any more, but it doesn’t matter. I take bite after bite, I feel worse and worse. Get something. Fill me. That is all that matters. Fill me.
I finish the plate and I stand and I walk slowly, slowly, slowly across the Dining Room and I put my tray on the conveyor belt to the dishwasher. When I turn around, Lilly is standing in front of me. Although I saw her a little while ago, I didn’t really see her, and although I have met her twice before, I have never really looked at her. She has long black hair to the middle of her chest and she has blue eyes. Not ice blue, water blue. Deep clean water blue. She is pale white, pale pale pale white, and her lips are thick and blood red, though she is not wearing lipstick. Her jeans are old and worn and her black sweater is old and worn and her combat boots are old and worn and everything is too big for her body, which is small and thin. She is holding a tray and smiling. Her teeth are straight and white, and they are straight in a way that came without braces and white in a way that has nothing to do with toothpaste. I smile back. She speaks.
You have teeth.
Yeah.
They look nice.
Thanks.
You doing all right?
Not even close. You?
Yeah, I’m okay.
Good.
I step around her and I walk away. I know she is watching me, but I don’t look back. I make my way through the Halls and I go to the Lecture Hall and I find a seat among the men of my Unit and I sit down. Leonard sits next to me and I get up and I move so that there is a seat between us. He looks at me and he laughs. I ignore him.
The Lecture starts. It is about Letting Go and Letting God. The man giving the Lecture has been sober for a decade. Whenever he is troubled or something is going wrong in his life, he turns it over to God and goes to an AA Meeting. God does with it what he will, resolving it for better or for worse, and the man doesn’t worry about it or try to control it. He just waits and trusts, waits and goes to Meetings, waits and assumes whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. When he talks of God and of his trust in his mighty male God, his eyes glaze over. It is a glaze I know and have seen many times before, usually when someone is fucked out of their skull on strong, hard drugs. His God has become his drug and he is high, high as a Motherfucking kite, and he rants and raves, paces back and forth, God this and God that, blah blah blah. If I was closer to him or if I could get at him, I would punch him in the mouth just to make him shut the fuck up.
He finishes and everyone is impressed and everyone claps. I get up and I leave. When I get outside the door, Ken is waiting for me.
Hi, James.
Hi.
Could you come with me for a little while?
Why?
Your test results have come back and Doctor Baker wants to speak with you.
Okay.
We walk back through the light of the Halls and it makes me uncomfortable and Ken tries to make small talk and I ignore him. I ignore him because my need to get fucked up is growing and it is screaming at me and it is all I can think about and all I can concentrate on. I would kill for a drink right now. Kill. Drink. Kill. Drink. Kill.
We walk into the Medical Unit and Ken takes me to the Waiting Room and