A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [43]
There is a coffee machine in the corner and I get up and I get myself a cup. I pour sugar into it to the point of saturation and I take a sip and it is hot and it hurts to drink it and I like it. My heart speeds up almost immediately, and though it doesn’t speed up like it normally does, and though I am not addicted to coffee, it is still a drug and it feels fucking good. It feels so fucking good.
Ken comes back to the Room and he says the Doctor is ready and I stand and he leads me through the Medical Unit to a small, clean, white Examination Room. There are three chairs and a window and a set of shiny steel shelves with instruments on them and an examination table against one of the walls and an X-ray viewing machine hanging near the door. Doctor Baker is sitting in one of the chairs with a file. He stands when we enter.
Hi, James.
He offers his hand. I shake it.
Hello, Doctor Baker.
We sit.
Can I see your teeth?
I smile.
They look good. Doctor Stevens said you were very brave.
Doctor Stevens was good to me. Thank him for me next time you speak to him.
I will.
Now tell me why I’m here.
Dr. Baker opens his file.
I have the results from the tests we took a few days ago.
How bad is it?
He looks at the file, he takes a deep breath. He leans back in his chair and he looks at me. He speaks.
You have done significant damage to your nose, your throat, your lungs, your stomach, your bladder, your kidneys, your liver and your heart. I have never seen so much and such extensive damage in someone so young. We would need to do more tests to know the specific extent of it, and if you want them done we can facilitate that, but from what I have here, I know a few important things. The first is that you are lucky to be alive. The second is that if you ever have another drink or use any type of hard drug again, there is a good chance that you will die. The third is that if you start drinking or using drugs regularly, you will be dead within a few days. Your body has suffered from a pattern of such profound and prolonged abuse that it will not hold up anymore.
Ken is staring at me, Doctor Baker is staring at me. I look past him and out the window where the Storm is still raging. I finally know with absolute certainty what I have suspected for a long time. I am almost dead.
It’s a happy fucking day.
Doctor Baker speaks.
This is not a joking matter, James.
I look at him.
I know it’s not, but what the fuck am I supposed to say? I have received my sentence.
Ken speaks.
What’s that mean?
What do you think it means?
We’re here to help you, James. We’re here to help you get better and to help you learn how to stop killing yourself. If you do what we tell you to do and you follow the Program we prescribe, you will live a long and happy life.
I have received my sentence.
It doesn’t have to be carried out. Just trust us.
I look at Doctor Baker.
You got anything else to say to me?
I hope you’ll trust us, I hope you’ll give us a chance to help you, and I hope to God you’re here tomorrow.
I stare at him. His eyes are thick and wet and breaking. He is obviously sad and obviously disappointed. I’m tired of making people sad and I’m tired of disappointing them and I’m tired of seeing them break. I have seen this too many times. He will be the last.
I appreciate your time and your efforts. Both of you. Thank you.
I stand and I open the door and I walk out of the Room and I shut the door behind me and I head back to my Room. Although I have just been told that further use of alcohol and drugs is going to kill me, and kill me soon, what I want right now is a nice strong drink and a blast of rock. I want them badly. Get something. I want them so badly. Fill me. I would kill for them. Get something. Kill for them. Fill