A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [97]
Lincoln speaks, an edge of anger in his voice.
It’s completely unacceptable. That and your goal are an insult to what we’re trying to do with you.
I thought that fucking book was an insult to my intelligence, and my goal is a joke. I put it up there because it makes me laugh, and laughing makes me feel good, and that’s my only goal, to feel good. When I feel good, I feel like I’m getting better.
Joanne speaks.
I understand your intentions, James, though I’m not sure they’re appropriate.
Lincoln speaks.
They aren’t.
Joanne speaks.
We try to plan a Patient’s Recovery Program and their future after they leave here as they are working through what we do and what we teach. At this point, you’re not as far along as we would like. You seem to have some grasp of the First Step.
I laugh.
Why are you laughing?
I speak.
The First Step, if I remember correctly, says we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and drugs, that our lives had become unmanageable. I have a fairly sound grasp of that concept.
Lincoln speaks.
You’re sure of that?
I’m wanted in three states. I’m addicted to alcohol and crack. I’m unemployed, unemployable and completely broke. I’ve blacked out every night for as long as I can remember and my time in here is the longest stretch of sobriety I’ve known since I was ten years old. I am out of control. If you want to hear me say it, I’ll say it. I am out of fucking control. My life is unmanageable.
Joanne speaks.
We’re not the enemy, James.
I know you’re not.
Lincoln speaks.
Don’t treat us like we are.
Don’t treat me like an idiot, talk to me like I’m a fucking Baby and waste my time with coloring books, and I won’t treat you like the enemy.
Lincoln shakes his head. Joanne speaks.
Getting back to the subject, you are not as far along as we would like. You are resistant to everything we tell you. We don’t think that you’ll be ready to move into a normalized existence once this Program is over. If you’re not facing Jail time, and that is something we would like to start working on by contacting the Authorities in the states in which you have issues, we want to put you on a waiting list for a Halfway House.
What would I do there?
It would be a lot like this, except you’d be expected to hold a job during the day.
No way.
Lincoln speaks.
Why?
Because that’s not gonna work for me.
Why?
I’m starting to figure out how I think I can do this. I won’t know until I’m in the real World and until I can test myself. That test will not be real to me if I know that I can go running back to the safety of some Halfway House.
Joanne speaks.
There is no such thing as safety when you’re dealing with a profound and incurable addiction. Halfway Houses offer support and you’re going to need all the support you can get. You’re going to need it when you leave here, a month later, a year after that, and most likely, for the rest of your life.
I don’t want safety or support. I want there to be me and whatever I have to face, be it alcohol or drugs or something else. I want there to be a fight because I know how to fight. There will be a Winner of that fight. If it’s me, I walk away and I have beat the shit that I didn’t think I could ever beat and I move on with my life. If it’s not me, at least I get it over with.
Lincoln speaks.
If you don’t survive your little test, you’re gonna die. Is that what you want to do, die?
If I can’t stay sober it is.
You won’t stay sober if you keep doing what you’re doing.
Why do you think that?
It’s not what I think, it’s what I know. I know it because every time someone comes in here thinking they have a better way, they walk out of here and they fall and they don’t get back up.
You may be right, but at least I’ll fall knowing I did the best I could with what I believed in.
Joanne speaks.
I don’t like this idea of a test. I think it’s dangerous, foolish and stubborn. I think the stakes are too high for you if it doesn’t work out. I want you to think about that. To really think about the idea that your resistance to what we’re trying to do with you