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A Million Little Pieces - James Frey [99]

By Root 1206 0
same thing. A second of freedom is worth more than a lifetime of bondage. Then she said come back again the next day. I did and she handed me a map and she said let’s get in the car, you’re driving. Eight hours later that map led me here. She said she had been saving money for three years and if I wanted freedom I should walk in the front doors and she’d pay for it. She said if I didn’t, we should drive Home. I hate my life. I have never wanted it to be the way it has been, and this was a chance to escape it. I had heard of this place and knew it was the best place like it and really expensive and I knew if Grandma had saved for me to be here that she wanted it for me and I knew I wanted it as well. To be free, even if it’s just for a second. So I walked through the door and here I am.

You free yet?

No, but I’m getting there.

She smiles.

You tell me a story now.

About what?

Tell me about your Girlfriend.

I don’t like talking about her.

Why?

Because it hurts too much.

Fair enough. Tell me something else.

Pick something.

How’d you lose your virginity?

Why do you want to know that?

It says a lot about a Person.

It won’t say good things about me.

I’m not here to judge you.

Why are you here?

To know you. Or to try.

I stare at her. I stare at her eyes clean water blue and her hair braided jet black. I stare at her skin pale white and her lips blood red, I stare at her body beneath the jacket she is so small. I stare at her wrists and the Superwoman watch and the scars running vertically. I stare at me but not me. I see the damage and pain of hard years. I see the emptiness and desperation of existence without hope. I see a young life that has been too long. I see me but not me. I trust myself. I can trust her.

I’ve never told anyone this.

You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.

No, I will.

Stop whenever you want.

I stare at her. I see me but not me. I can trust her. I speak.

I was sixteen, a Sophomore in High School. It was Homecoming and there was a Football Game and a Dance. I hated the Town we lived in and my Parents knew I hated it and they felt bad about it. My Mom would always ask me about friends and Girls because she hoped I would meet some People and then I’d be happier. I always lied to her and told her that I had lots of friends and that lots of Girls liked me so that she wouldn’t feel so bad. The reality of the situation was that nobody liked me. As this Dance was coming up my Mom kept asking if I was going. I told her I hadn’t decided yet, that there were a couple of Girls who wanted to go with me and I wasn’t sure which one I liked most and I really just hoped she’d stop asking. She didn’t. Every day it was the same. Who are you going to ask, you should decide soon, you need to give the Girl enough time to get ready, it’s a special night you shouldn’t miss it. Finally I just lied to her and told her I was taking someone. She was really excited and she went out and she got me a suit and she bought me a rose to pin on my lapel and she washed her car and told me I could borrow it and she gave me some money to go out to Dinner before the Game. It fucking sucked because I knew it was all bullshit and I was lying to her.

When the day of the Game came around, I put on the suit and she and my Dad took a bunch of pictures of me and I waved out the car window as I drove away. I parked the car near the School Stadium and I sat and watched all the other Kids, the ones who had dates, as they drove in and hung around in the Stands or on the Sidelines in their suits and dresses and I watched the Halftime Ceremony and I watched the King and Queen get crowned and I watched everyone clap and cheer for them and I watched everyone be happy. When the Game was over, I didn’t have anything to do, and I sure wasn’t going to go to the Dance alone, so I drove to this Ghetto nearby to try and score some drugs because I felt like shit for lying to my Mom and because I didn’t have any friends and I wanted to make the pain go away. As I was driving around, I saw a whore walking on the street near a House where

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