A Simples Life_ The Life and Times of Aleksandr Orlov - Aleksandr Orlov [12]
PS: When they make movie of my life, I would like Emilio Estevez play me, and Danny De Vito play Sergei. There is no negotiation on this.
HERE is me on one of the grand staircases. Banisters are 405 feet long top to bottom. If properly varnish, I can slide whole thing in 17 seconds.
CHAPTER The 15
At Home
ORLOV Family Mansion is many years ancient. But, as you remember, Great Uncle Ivan had lost it in game of baccarat and it became home to a pack of dirty muskrats. Fortunates, with my new wealthiness, I was able to buy it back and restore family honour. I also restore the carpets which were filthy.
When it was mended, it was very excite day to enter the mansion for the first time. Right away I sent Sergei into attic for explore. It was trove of treasures. Sergei found: a box of fossilised scorpions, some mongoose fur slippers, my Great Granddaddy Vitaly’s battle fork, an old rocking wolf, a beautiful puppet theatre (complete with puppet people), a genuine antiquey Fabergé omelette and a family of sparrows who attacked Sergei with their beaks. He also discover world’s largest collection of balalaikas, which my Great Uncle Ivan used to play loud after comparing beetle juice liqueurs. Sergei spent many hours dusting and cataloguing these treasures. It was messy business as treasures were cover in dust and old fleas, but at least that make him feel at home.
Mansion Facts
My home is a bit like English palace of Bucking Hams, only bigger. There are 58 staircases with 3,460 stairs and I estimate about one million door knobs.
Every spring Sergei does the clean. It is no park walk. He gets through 5 mops, 12 brooms, 16 dusters, 4 vacuum cleaners and 6 box of dust allergy medicine.
Quad is big enough for Moscow State Circus to do whole show. Best part is the trapeze swings, closely follow by the cannonball swallower.
My cinema has its own reclining throne and popcockroach maker.
My wardrobe is made from expensive wood. It contains many cravats made of purest silk from free-range silkworms. I also have some spun by specials Croatian glow-worms so I can find way to toilet at night.
I own a falcon called Dmitri who nests in a dome on roof. He is well trained and can spot a mongoose at 1000 yard. (So, if you are mongoose, and you are read this in order make burglary, you have been warn.)
Telescopeamabob in rooftop observatory can spy on all the planets. Sometimes I let Sergei use it for relive the old days.
NURSERY is home to my puppet theatre. I am master of the puppets and perform several award-winning productions here, including Antigone and 2 Fast 2 Furious.
Office
Sometimes I am spend almost four hour at a time here.
I.T. Dept
Sergei’s home from home.
Stationery Cupboard
Sergei’s holiday home from home.
Mirror Maze
Sometimes I get lost inmy own stylishness.
Drawing Room
I also use this as Archery Range.
Corridor
Doubles as Skittles Alley.
Cinema/Theatre/Karaoke Rome
Sometimes all at once.
Secret Room
Gymnasium
Where I perform gruelly daily haunch exercises.
Wardrobe (level 1)
Contains 3,679 different type of cravat.
Batch Spa
Houses Olympics-size tub and wave machine.
Golf Corridor
I have already destory three granddaddy clocks.
Old Nursery
Makes me feel like a meerpup again.
Library
Contains over 60,000 books and 11 secret passages.
Ballroom
And Balloon Room on Saint Vladimir's Tuesday.
Real Vault
Includes Word's only Fabergé Omelette.
Fake Vault
Includes Word's only fake Fabergé Omelette.
Banquet Hall
This is where I while away the afternoon.
Grub Pantry
Sergei is always sneak caterpillar crepes from here.
Kitchen
The birthplace of Sergei’s famous beetle broth.
Tunnel Entrance
I burrowed from the end.
Panic Room
For When I am in a Panic.
As you see from plan, I have big grounds. We used to have hedge maze based on Cretan Labyrinth at Knossos, but one time