A Stolen Life_ A Memoir - Jaycee Dugard [54]
NOVEMBER 9, 2003
I feel scared right now. I’m thinking what if I never get to see her again. What if she dies! I would never really get to know her and there is nothing I can do about it. I’m helpless. I feel better after I write down what I’m feeling. I don’t really have anyone to share them with. I don’t think they [Phillip or Nancy] would even really want to hear what I’m thinking. I don’t want to make them sad with what I’m feeling anyways. They don’t ask me a lot, so it’s not hard to keep all my junk inside. I’ve heard the expression “time heals all wounds.” One day I hope to understand what that truly feels like.
DECEMBER 18, 2003
On a promo for the news tonight the press is speculating that the man that killed Polly Klass also took and killed me. It is so hard to express the feelings I’m feeling. They showed a brief picture of me and then the killer. That was so painful to watch. Phillip thinks it would be a bad idea for me to watch the news tonight; I think he’s right, I’m not going to watch it. I wonder if they will show a picture of her [my mom]. I hope they don’t bring it all up for her again. Why can’t they just leave it in the past? I hope they don’t hurt her. What must she be thinking? Does she think I’m dead? I miss her more than I can understand. Sometimes I’m afraid I won’t recognize her. Sometimes I wonder if I was ever given the choice, would I stay here or leave? There is no easy answer. There is a piece of me missing. Part of me will always be there with her [my mom], there is a part of me that always hurts and feels the pain of losing my family and that part wants to become whole but that cannot happen until I am united with those I lost. I wish I was stronger.
Affirmations:
1. Only I can make it happen.
2. I control what I eat.
3. Every day I become the person I want to be.
4. I have the strength to do everything I set my mind to.
DECEMBER 30, 2003
There are times I forget who I am. Tonight I have so many memories running through my head, good and bad. Time and separation dulls some of the memories, but the essence is always there with me every day. One day when I see her again maybe the pain will go away. I know I’m not the first person to lose someone they love and I most certainly won’t be the last. I’m probably considered lucky, if you can call it that, because I know I will see her again one day; not everyone can say that.
I know this may sound silly but not easy. Imagine somebody’s life going on after you leave; you only focus on your life and its events. So now I wonder what kind of life has she had? I’m thankful and I hope she is, too, that she has my sister with her. As I’m writing this she is twelve. Wow, I can’t ever begin to guess what she’s like. I wonder what they do together? I hope they are happy as I am most times. I wonder if she asks about me and what she tells her. I have no clue what I would say under these circumstances. I guess I’m the lucky one in my knowledge that I will see them again one day. It brings me a lot of comfort just to say or write those words.
DECEMBER 31, 2003
Here I am sitting in my room [tent] thinking where will I be in the future on this same day in this same hour? What is going to change in the New Year? The one event that sticks out is Blackjack’s death. I will remember him forever. Another thing that was good about this year was getting Neo. That changed my world for the better. But looking back over the year, so little has changed from the previous year. We are stuck in a bubble. My hope is that this year will be full of change. I want to do so many things. I feel I will never be able or given the chance to do what I want to do. In my mind he [Phillip] is making everything more complicated than it needs to be, but maybe I see it that way because my mind is simple. I prefer my life simple and uncomplicated because I know his situation is anything but simple.
FEBRUARY 3, 2004
Why does it always have to be something holding us back? It’s like we have to fight for each step we take