A Stolen Life_ A Memoir - Jaycee Dugard [55]
10 things that make me Happy
1. Hearing someone laugh
2. When my cats are near me
3. Birds singing
4. When animals like me
5. Blue skies and puffy clouds
6. The rain
7. Having something fun to do
8. The ocean
9. When someone says something kind to me
10. Knowing someone loves me
FEBRUARY 7, 2004
I’m sitting and thinking it’s so hard to change habits. I’m trying to write out a plan for my future, but it’s hard. I feel I have no future. I thought it would be easier. It’s the New Year and by the end of it I plan on making changes in myself. It’s a slow process (changing) but everything counts on me making these changes, I feel like the world depends on it. I know that sounds really egotistical but I feel it.
I remember having a dream a few years ago about my grandpa. In the dream I saw my grandpa’s truck [he was a truck driver] at what looked like a shopping center parking lot and he was lying in his truck. I think he was dead. It looked like he had been beaten.
[I later found out when I was reunited with my mom, that my grandpa was hit by a car and killed.]
MARCH 13, 2004
I’m sorry. Sorry for everything I can’t be. Sorry I can’t be what he wants me to be. I don’t even know exactly what that is. I’m just sorry. Sometimes I feel so alone, I know that’s crazy because I’m not alone. I have my cats and people who love me, too. It’s just I don’t know what I want. Some days I can clearly see everything and things seem easy, and the next day seems blurry and I can’t see what I want. Nights are the worst because I have too much time to think. Sometimes I think I’m being too dramatic and complain too much. What do I have to complain about? I have food, I have shelter from the rain, well, unless my tent is leaking. I don’t want to hurt him [Phillip]; sometimes I think my very presence hurts him. So how can I ever tell him how I want to be FREE to come and go as I please? FREE to say, I have a family. FREE.
MAY 23, 2004
I usually don’t write about my day-to-day life, but today was just so horrible I had to get it down on paper. The day started out bad. Phillip was in a really bad mood and you could tell early on in the day that all he was going to get done was sleep on the couch all day. I hate it when he is so lazy. While I work all day, he gets to do anything he wants. I am so tired of that, but I can’t do anything about it. Nancy had already asked him the day before if she could take me thrift store shopping and he said yes. Sometimes I like going out with Nancy and sometimes I do not. She can be so cold, and it makes me feel like I have done something wrong. She asks me where I want to go, but then when I tell her, it’s like I’ve made the wrong decision, so I’ve learned to try to feel her out ahead of time so I know the right answer. Today we headed to the Goodwill in Pittsburg, and then the Salvation Army in Antioch. I always show her the clothes I would like to buy to see if she likes them, too. When we came to the shoes, I sat my purse down on the chair while I tried on a pair of shoes Nancy said I would like. After I tried them on and discovered they were too big, I put them back on the shelf and followed her to another aisle. A minute or two later I realized I forgot my purse and told Nancy I had to go back to the shoe aisle. When we went back and looked around, my purse was nowhere to be found. It had been stolen. I was in disbelief for a minute. Stunned. I felt like a part of me had been stolen. I know it’s irrational, but that’s how I felt. I felt stupid and apologized to Nancy for my carelessness. She had given me the money for the PG&E bill and I put it in my purse for safekeeping and now it was gone. I felt shaky and ready to cry. I walked over to