A Stolen Life_ A Memoir - Jaycee Dugard [56]
JUNE 27, 2004
Lonely, that’s how I feel. Lonely and incomplete. I want to run but have no idea where to run to. I want to yell, but I don’t want to hurt anybody. I want to say something, but I don’t know what to say. Love is the easy part; it’s the living without the love you need that is hard.
Is life worth living simply because you live, or is it worth more if you make life happen? What if you have no choice in the matter? Maybe you have to make life happen whether it is good or bad; you make the choices in your life and have to live with the consequences of your choices. Did I have a choice “that day”? Could I have chosen to stay home from school? I would have been punished, but my life would not have changed so completely as it did. Would I choose to be here even with everything’s that happened?
JULY 5, 2004
It feels like I’m sinking. I’m afraid I want control of my life. This is supposed to be my life to do with what I like, but once again he [Phillip] has taken it away. How many times is he allowed to take it away from me? I’m afraid he doesn’t see how the thing he says makes me a prisoner. Does he want to see it?
I’ve been thinking of her a lot lately. I know it would take just a couple of clicks, I could see her. I need to see her. So, what’s stopping me? I think I’m afraid to take the first step because I know I could not go any farther with it. And that would hurt me. I’m such a coward! I hate being afraid. Why don’t I have control of my life! I feel now I can’t even be sure my thoughts are my own. I can’t even really talk to him [Phillip] about anything I feel because he will just think the angels are controlling me. I don’t want to burden him with what I’m feeling. Why should I even care if I hurt him, he has hurt me! I just can’t do it back. I can’t be like them.
SEPTEMBER 4, 2004
I’m just surging with anger right now. I can’t help it. I think what he did is wrong. Why couldn’t he just once give in and not be so controlling! It helps to write these feelings down. I can’t talk to him. He overpowers me with his words in no time. Then there’s the fact that I can’t put what I’m trying to say in the right way. What I want to say never comes out the way I envision it in my head. Why is that? I wonder if I could have prevented the fight by going out there myself, then again maybe he would have told me the same things. If I told him any of my feelings he would immediately tell me “the angels are controlling you.” I need him to give me the freedom to talk to him, but right now that’s not going to happen. So I will just let these feelings flow through me and out this pencil. It’s weird, but I already feel the tension leaving me and soon I will only be left with the memory of this night to think about and analyze, rethink, and come to a conclusion about what to do. Maybe the tension is leaving me because I’m no longer around him; I’m out here in my own space. I love my tent! It’s my own space to do with as I wish. As soon as I see him again, all I want to do is tell him how wrong he was to do that. But he will never take responsibility for what he does. It’s always someone else’s fault, the angels now mostly. If I confronted him, he would just think I’m being controlled to say these things by the angels and that would get me nowhere. Sometimes I wish I could live very far away from him [Phillip]; sometimes I dream about it.
OCTOBER 3, 2004
Sometimes I think the memories from what he did to me would fade more quickly if I didn’t have to see him every day 24/7. It’s hard. And I hate the memories