All Is Grace_ A Ragamuffin Memoir - Brennan Manning [34]
If my stepdaughters were asked about my fathering skills, they might laugh. I might too. But those girls were definitely part of the “good” in our marriage. I could bless the host in our daily Mass, but as to what to do with two teenage girls, I didn’t have a clue. They were very gracious to accept me and share their mother with me. I hope they have some memories filed under “good” too. I quoted Richard Rohr earlier about shame being transferred if it isn’t transformed. I had an awareness of this and intentionally tried to do some things with the girls so as not to repeat the sins of the past.
One thing that was missing in the girls’ lives was a sense of celebration around birthdays, or at least I thought so. I wanted them to know how very special they were. That was something I had not experienced on my birthdays, so it was a variation of doing unto others as I wish had been done to me. Our celebrations would extend before and beyond the actual birthday. We created a new tradition: The birthday girl—this included Roslyn—could pick out any restaurant in New Orleans she wanted, and we’d go there for a dress-up, sit-down, way-too-many-forks, expensive dinner. I loved to give them gifts, and in retrospect, I probably gave too much. I’ve never loved money; it hasn’t mattered to me personally. However, I’ve enjoyed it in the sense that it allowed me to shower gifts on those closest to me. I honestly do not believe I was trying to buy their love but rather express mine in a way I could. I’ve heard my stepdaughters carry on the birthday tradition in their own families, in their own ways. Those birthday celebrations are some of my fondest memories.
I do have to mention two other family members as being among the “good.” They were our dogs: Binky, a Pomeranian, and Maxwell, a Yorkie. I was closer to Binky. It drove Roslyn and the girls crazy when I wouldn’t discipline him when he misbehaved, but I always felt the poor guy just needed a lot of grace. I finished many evenings by watching a little television, and Binky was always there, right by my side. I have to confess, it’s amazing how close you can feel to a dog.
The Not-So Good.
At our home in New Orleans, we had a swimming pool, an aspect of our home that everyone enjoyed, including me. But an outdoor swimming pool must be cleaned regularly. It’s a chore. One day Roslyn asked me to clean it. I tried, but I did a shoddy job. Roslyn asked me again about it later, and I replied, “No, I won’t do it. It’s disturbing my peace of mind!” Yes, I really said that. I went inside, and Roslyn ended up cleaning the pool. This one event serves as an apt metaphor: Roslyn and I were married for eighteen years, and for most of those, while I was traveling and preaching and writing and cultivating my peace of mind, Roslyn cleaned the pool.
Many personality inventories were available to us, complete with grids and questions designed to help a man or woman or married couple on their journeys of self-discovery. Roslyn and I both spent time with and benefitted from the Enneagram. I know that some people believe the Enneagram is dangerous, with roots in the occult. But I don’t agree with that assessment. Probably one of the best-known advocates of the Enneagram is Father Richard Rohr, a man I greatly admire and respect.
Here’s how the inventory goes: Following a series of subtle and complex questions, your basic personality type is identified. There are nine types that correspond to a number 1–9. Roslyn is a 1, which is “the Reformer”—purposeful and self-controlled. I am a 4, “the Individualist”—self-absorbed and temperamental. The nine types are further divided into Centers—Instinctive (1, 8, 9), Feeling (2, 3, 4), and Thinking (5, 6, 7)—and then further clarified by the dominant emotion in each Center: Anger/Rage (1, 8, 9), Shame (2, 3, 4), and Anxiety (5, 6, 7). Here are two brief descriptions of those dominant emotions, based on our results:
Ones attempt to control or repress anger. They feel it imperative