All Is Grace_ A Ragamuffin Memoir - Brennan Manning [35]
Fours attempt to control shame by focusing on how unique and special they are. They emphasize their individuality and creativity in order to deal with feelings of inadequacy. And they manage their shame by creating a vibrant fantasy life where they do not have to deal with the mundane things of life.
It is said a relationship/marriage between a 1 and a 4 is like combining oil and water. Throw alcohol into that mix and the question is not if problems will arise, but when and how they will be weathered.
So take the pool example, for instance, in light of the Enneagram numbers. I, being a 4, felt my inner sanctum of peace, where the “brilliance of Brennan Manning” was cultivated and was of paramount importance, was disturbed. Being bothered by something so mundane as cleaning the pool was simply an intrusion into greatness. Yes, that’s incredibly arrogant, I know. But it’s how I felt. Couple that with Roslyn being a 1 and the frustration she felt at me for not being willing to be a part of the human race. But she wanted to stay in control, so her tendency was to repress the anger, redirect the energy around that situation, and then just go do it herself. I said something about when and how our problems were “weathered.” Days when the pool needed to be cleaned may have been sunny on the outside, but inside they were partly cloudy with a chance of storms. The Enneagram didn’t help us solve these dilemmas necessarily, but it at least gave us an awareness and a language to use to discuss them.
The Ugly.
I said our home was more than just a home—it was a hearth, a place of warmth and safety. The Greek word eschara means fireplace or hearth. The hearth was traditionally found in the middle of the house, the axis around which most domestic activities took place. It was where parents and children gathered. As such, it was also where many injuries took place because of the open nature of the hearth’s structure; in other words, it’s where you got burned. You can’t have the hearth without the risk of scars.
But an abundance of scarring leaves scar tissue, skin inferior to normal, healthy skin. The damaged tissue is limited in its functions, including movement, circulation, and sensation. It’s one thing if that happens to a hand or arm or leg. It’s something else altogether if that repeatedly happens to the heart.
At the peak of my speaking ministry I began a game with Roslyn, with myself, and even with God. It was an adult version of my childhood game Ringolevio—hide and come find me. I often overscheduled myself, allowing only a few days between speaking engagements that were usually on opposite coasts. The rules of my game were these: I would finish the engagement, get a hotel room near the airport, close myself in, and drink. I wouldn’t call Roslyn, or anyone for that matter, to “check in.” This seclusion might last for one to four days. And there you have it: hide and come find me, a child’s game played by a grown man.
Roslyn picked up on my game and was almost always able to track me down. A phone call would follow with pleas: “Brennan, please come home.” I would return to New Orleans, and our hearth would then backdrop the excruciating physical process of an alcoholic’s withdrawals. Roslyn tried as best she could to shield the girls from those times, but I believe they knew something was wrong. If they couldn’t tell it by looking at me, they could sure tell it by looking at Roslyn; the toll was beginning to show in her eyes. One of the realities of the family of an alcoholic is that they often get sucked into the craziness themselves. No one intends for this to happen, it just does. This happened to Roslyn. At her own admission, at times she was in as much denial as I was; in our own individual ways we strained to hide the truth and keep up appearances. What is there in life that can prepare you to live with an alcoholic? I don’t think there’s anything; you find yourself in that situation and do your best, and that’s what Roslyn did.
My “best” game, so to speak,