Always - Iris Johansen [36]
“That’s because I’m scared as hell.” His hands cupped her shoulders and he pushed her down on the rim of the mosaic fountain. “I don’t know how you’re going to take this.”
“Take what?”
He drew a deep breath. “Do you believe I love you?”
A shock ran through her, and she hesitated. “I believe you think you do,” she said slowly.
“Do you trust me?”
She didn’t have to think about that. “Yes.”
Suddenly he was on his knees beside her, gathering her hands in his. “You should trust me. I’d never do anything to hurt you. Do you remember what I told you about the way I sublimate the pain of loss?”
“Yes,” she said, and her hands tightened on his. “I remember.”
“But you don’t have anyone to turn to and channel that pain, Lisa. You don’t have anyone you really love.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“That you need someone.” He glanced up, his expression gravely intent. “I’m saying that I’d like very much to give you a child.”
She inhaled sharply. “A child!”
“I’m not suggesting that Tommy could ever be replaced. Every human being is unique and irreplaceable, and what you feel for Tommy is beautiful and special. But you still need someone else to love.” He smiled a little crookedly. “I’m selfish enough to wish it could be me, but that’s not in the cards. At least not yet. But the need still exists, and I know you’d love your own child.” He brought her palm to his lips and kissed it. “Please. Let me give you that child.”
“Clancy …” Her thoughts were a wild, whirling jumble of fragments.
“I’m not asking any commitment from you. You don’t even have to marry me, if you don’t want to. The child will be completely yours. I’ll sign papers swearing to that.” He was silent for a moment before adding haltingly, “I would like you to stay with me until the child is born, if you can see your way clear to do it.” His lips twisted in a self-mocking grimace. “You know what a protective bastard I am. I’d worry about both of you, if you weren’t right under my nose.”
“It’s crazy,” she declared softly. She felt an odd, glowing warmth deep within her that had something to do with the way Clancy was looking at her with that touching little-boy earnestness. Just as Tommy had looked at her when he’d done something wrong and wasn’t sure how she’d react. She stiffened with surprise when she realized how naturally the thought had come. Not with that familiar jolt of pain, but gently, as if Tommy were still with her. Perhaps now that Clancy had freed her from that icy trauma, Tommy would always be with her.
“Not so crazy,” Clancy said, playing absently with her fingers. “You want me, so that should make the sex part tolerable.”
Lisa almost burst into an hysterical giggle at that. Considering the sexual tension that had existed between them in the last few days, the word “tolerable” was scarcely appropriate.
As Clancy continued to enumerate the advantages one by one, like a solemn-faced child reciting a lesson, she was once more reminded of Tommy. No pain again. It was becoming easier all the time. “I’m rich enough to provide for you comfortably,” he continued, “and naturally I’d support you handsomely. You wouldn’t want for anything, Lisa, after the baby was born. I realize you will continue your career and would need to arrange for reliable domestic help.” Suddenly he frowned. “If you go on tour, I’d like you to send the child to Sedikhan while you’re gone. I don’t like the idea of the baby being without one of us for long periods of time.”
“You’ve thought all this out very thoroughly,” she said quietly.
“It was a long night, and I knew you’d need a solution to the new questions I’d raised. It was my job to give it to you.”
So he had given her his solution. Generously, selflessly, with the open-handed simplicity she had come to associate with him. “Clancy, where the hell is your sense of self-preservation?” she asked. “What are you getting out of all of this?”
“Quite a bit.” He smiled. “At least nine months of you in my bed