Always - Iris Johansen [37]
She felt tears brimming behind her eyes as she remembered the sweetness and wonder she had known with Tommy. Clancy should experience what she had; he would make a wonderful father—gentle, protective, wise. He shouldn’t be cheated out of that joy. “I couldn’t do that to you.”
He shook his head. “Don’t you see? It would be a gift like the one you gave me when you told me about Tommy. There would be no guilt on either side.” He kissed her palm again. “Fair exchange, Lisa.”
“Not fair at all. I’d be taking. You’d be giving,” she said. “I’d have to be even more selfish than I was in my ivory tower days to take you up on a proposition like that.”
“You’re wrong.” His hands tightened on hers. “So wrong. Believe me, there’s no way I’d feel like a martyr if you accepted this proposal. I’d feel lucky as hell.”
“Then you’re an idiot!” Her voice broke and she had to wait a moment before she could speak again. “Clancy, I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now.”
“All right.” He gave her hands an affectionate squeeze before releasing them and rising to his feet. “We’ll drop it for the moment, but there’s one question I’d like to ask first. Would you like to have a child?”
Would she? When Clancy had first said he wanted to give her a child, she had experienced shock and then sheer heady joy. She’d realized after Tommy was born that she was a woman with a strong maternal drive and needed a child to complete her. Motherhood had brought joy and warmth and love. But it also had brought shock and an unbelievable pain. Could she risk that pain again? “I don’t know.” Her hand moved in a gesture of helplessness. “I’m so confused. There are so many things …”
Clancy nodded his head. “I know that. It’s a decision that no one can make but you.” He turned away. “Think about it. I believe it’s the answer for both of us. Let me know when you’ve made up your mind.” He glanced back over his shoulder. “I suppose you don’t want that omelet now?”
Food? She shook her head. “You’ve given me too much to digest as it is.”
He smiled. “If I’m going to fatten you up, I’d better schedule discussions like this after you’ve eaten.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” she said dryly. “A fattening-up would definitely be the result if I yielded to your persuasion on the topic of this particular discussion.”
He chuckled. “You’re right.” His expression grew serious. “I’d love to see you pregnant with my child. There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman with that particular bloom on her.”
His eyes were so intent that she felt suddenly breathless. “You certainly have weird ideas on female allure. As I remember, the only bloom I noticed when I was carrying Tommy was in my stomach. I looked like I’d swallowed a watermelon.”
“I’d like to see you like that,” he said softly. “Think about it.” He turned and walked into the house.
How could she help but think about it when her head and emotions were whirling like a top? Did she want another child? Was it fair to take from Clancy, even though he said it was what he wanted? If she had a child, would she be able to take it and walk away from Clancy? Every instinct rebelled against that last thought. She couldn’t hurt anyone like that. Particularly not Clancy, who was kind and honest and loving. She couldn’t walk away from Clancy at all.
She stiffened as that last thought emerged haphazardly from the tempest in her mind. Then it solidified into a conviction of unshakable certainty. She didn’t want to leave Clancy Donahue, no matter what the circumstances. She wanted to live with him and bear his children and have him smile down on her with that rare warmth until the day she died. Love. She loved Clancy. It shocked her as deeply as his proposition had earlier. Why hadn’t she realized she’d been tottering on the brink in the past days? Oh, Lord, now she was more confused than ever.
Lisa stayed in the courtyard for hours, staring into the darkness, lost