And Baby Makes Two - Dyan Sheldon [64]
She smiled very slightly. It was a familiar smile. I could feel myself really start to panic. Trillions of thoughts were shooting through my brain.
“Yes? You’re looking for Les?”
No, shrieked one of the voices in my head. Les is looking for me!
“Do you know him?” Maybe she was the mother of one of his flatmates. Or he helped carry her shopping in sometimes. “If you could just point out his house…”
That made her laugh. “I think you could say I know him. I’m Les’s mother. And this is his house.” Her eyes moved from me to Shinola. “Are you a friend of his?”
“Oh…” It was like I had this tower of cards built up inside of me and someone had taken out one of the cards at the bottom. Everything was collapsing at once. I could feel it. I could even see it. I tried to stop it. “You’re Les’s mum?” I forced myself to smile. “Les didn’t say you were coming down to London.”
She gave me a puzzled look. “But I live in London. Here. I’ve lived in this house for thirty years.”
Crash went why Les never gave me his home phone number. Crash went why his mobile was never on. Crash went why I could never go to his. Crash went the flu Les had last year. Crash went why he couldn’t spend any of Christmas with me. Crashcrashcrash. But I still tried to stop it.
“But you can’t,” I blurted out. “Les – I mean, I thought you lived in Norwich.”
“Norwich?” She smiled like she thought I must be on drugs. “My sister lives in Norwich, but I live here. With Les.” She pushed the door forward just a bit. “How do you know Les?” She gave me and Shinola another once-over. “You are a friend of his?”
I was standing on her doorstep with a baby in my arms on New Year’s Eve. What did she think I was, a Girl Guide? But I couldn’t say anything like that. I knew that once I started, I’d never stop. And the crashing cards would never stop either.
“Yes,” I said. “Of course I am.” I bounced Shinola gently in my arms. “A very good friend.”
Her smile was polite at first, but now it was just kind of there.
“A very good friend who doesn’t know that he lives with his mother?”
“Well, I—” No wonder the kitchen was so tidy. No wonder I never saw any room but Les’s. I made my voice not shake. “Is Les at home?”
She held the door steady. “I’m afraid you just missed him.” She sounded anything but sorry.
“Well, will he be back soon?”
She shook her head. “It’s New Year’s Eve.” In case I’d missed that. “He’s gone to a party.”
“Oh, right,” I said. “So there’s no point in waiting.”
“No,” said Mrs Craft. “No, there’s no point in waiting. I believe he’s spending the night at a friend’s.”
I didn’t cry while I was talking to Les’s mother, and I didn’t cry after she went back inside and turned off the outside light either. I just stood there, staring at the door. It was a wooden door, painted white. It had a brass letterbox and four tiny windows of coloured glass. I stood there until the shock wore off enough for me to feel the cold. Then I turned round and headed home.
There was nothing inside me except this big hole. This big, cold hole. It made me numb from the inside out. I remember looking up at the sky to see if there were any stars, but Dollis Hill wasn’t like the hospital ward with its shiny silver stars. The sky was browny pink and blank, as if we were underground.
I don’t remember the walk home. Maybe Shinola was awake, and maybe she was sleeping. Maybe we walked on the main road, and maybe we stayed on the side streets. I do remember the Christmas decorations and faraway laughter.
I wasn’t scared. There were lots of drunks out, and probably lots of muggers, too, but I couldn’t give a used tampon. So what if someone attacked me? What could they do? Beat me up? Kill me? Big deal.
Anyway, I was really sure God wouldn’t let anyone rape or murder me. It was too easy. My life was punishment enough.
I was in one of those films I didn’t like to watch. The sort of film that Charley liked. He thought they were realistic. “Sit down and watch this with us,” he’d say. “This is about real life.” But they weren’t realistic, they