Andy Rooney_ 60 Years of Wisdom and Wit - Andy Rooney [112]
The trouble with driving is that you often do it in a state of agitation. I’m not usually very relaxed when I drive because I’m mad at the guy behind me or the woman in front of me or the truck that just cut me off. As soon as I do relax, I get sleepy. I’d rather be angry than sleepy when I’m driving. I’m not a very safe driver when I’m driving slowly to be safe. When I’m mad, I drive faster but at least I’m alert to everything that’s going on. I’m trying to get that dirty so-and-so who cut in front of me.
It is my opinion that the slow drivers are a greater menace on the road than the ones driving at, or slightly above, the speed limit. The slow drivers sit there, slumped way down behind the wheel, smug in the knowledge that they are safe drivers but they’re wrong. They’re the ones who don’t know how to move. They’re the ones who can’t get out of their own way. They cause the rest of us to pile into something to avoid them.
You can tell I’m just off the road because I’m writing in an agitated state. I just drove 150 miles from upstate New York to New York City and it was the kind of drive that makes you wonder whether the weekend was worth it.
I confess to being a competitive driver. I’m vaguely irritated when someone passes me, even when the other driver has a perfect right to do it. The chances are, though, that he doesn’t have a legal right because I’m probably driving as fast as the law allows, or faster. What irritates me on a major highway is that there are some nuts who won’t let you maintain a reasonable distance between your car and the car in front of you. If you do leave a sensible opening, someone comes along and cuts into it and then you have to drop four or five car lengths behind him. You’re losing ground and it makes you mad. I think this is the cause of a lot of accidents. People tailgate because they don’t want anyone getting in between them and the car ahead. When there’s a sudden stop or slowdown, it can be too late to brake to a stop before hitting the car you’re following.
The single most annoying driving habit Americans have on and off the major highways is their practice of hitting the right turn signal just after they’ve started to turn right. By then, you know they’re turning right. What you would have liked is some indication of their intentions a few hundred yards back. It would have helped you make plans. Why do so many drivers think it does any good to hit the turn signal after they’ve started their turn?
With Spencer the bulldog
In city driving, the principal menace for the average driver is the panel truck. I don’t know where they get the people who drive panel trucks. Every year there are a lot of race drivers who fail to qualify for the Indianapolis 500. Maybe they all take jobs driving panel trucks in cities. They’re trying to make enough money to enter the Indy 500 again next year.
The average driver puts 10,000 miles on his car every year, according to Federal Highway Administration statistics. One statistic I’d like to see that no one has kept is, how much I’ve paid out in automobile insurance in the past twenty-five years and how much I’ve collected. We’ve owned two cars for most of that time and I guess we’ve paid out a total of more than $20,000. The insurance company didn’t get the perfect driver when they got me but they haven’t done badly. During that time I doubt if they’ve paid out $2,000, mostly in dents.
I had all my accidents when I was driving carefully.
The White House? No, Thank you
I’m always pleased but surprised that anyone will take the job of being President of the United States. Of all the jobs in the world, it’s the one I’d least like to have. I know you get a big house to live in for free, a salary of $200,000, a helicopter, an airplane, your own doctor and a big staff but I still don’t want the job. Don’t even ask me because I won’t take it.
The President doesn’t even have a White House psychiatrist, which is probably the doctor he needs most.
It’s always been a mystery to me why anyone would want to be President. Anyone