Andy Rooney_ 60 Years of Wisdom and Wit - Andy Rooney [36]
• And I’m put off if there’s a sign in the window saying “open.” Restaurants with open signs usually leave them there even when they’re closed.
• I’m not attracted to an establishment that puts more emphasis on liquor than on food.
• Usually I avoid a restaurant located in a shopping center.
• And if a restaurant is connected with a bowling alley, it isn’t where I’m going to spend my money for food.
• I don’t eat where there’s music, either. Sometimes two things that are great by themselves are ruined when mixed. Food and entertainment are best kept apart.
• It’s hard enough to get waited on in a restaurant that thinks it has enough help without going to one with a sign in the window advertising for waiters.
• And when I stay in a hotel or a motel, I never eat in the restaurant attached to it unless it’s snowing.
There are just as many things that attract me to a restaurant:
• I’m a sucker for a place bearing the first name of the owner. If it’s called “Joe’s,” I go in.
• I’m attracted to a restaurant that has a menu written with chalk on a slate.
• And to me, a real sign of class is a restaurant that refuses to accept credit cards.
If you’ve always thought of a menu as just a list of the food a restaurant serves, you’re wrong. Menus are a big business by themselves and a lot of restaurants spend a fortune making theirs look good.
We went down to a studio one day when they were filming a new cover for a Howard Johnson menu. The food was fixed in a kitchen near the studio. They try to be honest about it . . . but nothing ever looks smaller in the picture on the menu. For instance, they weigh the meat all right, but then they barely cook it so it doesn’t shrink.
In the course of doing this report, we’ve looked through and collected several hundred menus. You can tell a lot about a restaurant from a quick look at its menu . . . even from the outside of it. For instance, if there’s a tassel on the menu, you can add a couple of dollars per person.
Here’s the Captain’s Seafood Platter. The trouble with a restaurant called the Captain’s Seafood Platter in Kansas City is that all the fish comes frozen, and by the time it’s cooked in hot fat, you can’t tell the oysters from the French fries.
The Lion’s Paw . . . “Homemade Cheesecake.” You always wonder whose home they mean it was made in.
Don Neal’s Mr. T-Bone. He’s a musician, I guess. This is the kind of a menu that’s so cute you can hardly tell what they have to eat. “Rhapsody of Beef ” . . . Roast Top Sirloin. “Symphony of the Deep” . . . Baked Lake Superior Whitefish. “Taste Buds in Concert” . . . Breast of Chicken Almondine.
Here’s a place called the Bali Hai, a Polynesian restaurant. The “PuPu Platter,” they have. “Shrimp Pago Pago.” I never know about the drinks in a place like this. Here’s one called “Scorpion Bowl.” I hate drinking from a glass with a naked girl on it.
This is a Spanish restaurant, La Corrida. Picture of a bullfight. They’ve just killed the bull, I guess.
I’m not a vegetarian, but I hate being reminded of the animals I’m eating. I’ll eat almost anything, too, but there are a few things I’m narrow-minded about. Rabbit I don’t eat, tripe, calves’ brains, snails. I know I’m wrong, but I just don’t eat them.
Karson’s Inn in Historic Canton. This is one of those menus that tell you more about a town than you want to know. “Welcome to Karson’s Inn in Historic Canton. . . . ” It goes on and tells you all about how interesting Canton is.
Here’s one from Troggio’s in New Castle, Pennsylvania. This one tells you about how interesting New Castle is.
This is the Lamplighter, a family restaurant. It’s one of those where they tell you about the family. “For over 50 years the Ferri Family has enjoyed serving the finest food to nice people like you. . . . ” They like me.
This is another one: the Presuttis’. Mama and Poppa Presutti are on the cover there. And, yep, they tell you about the Presuttis here. “In 1933, Mr. and Mrs. S. Presutti converted their home into a restaurant.” It goes on. You know, fine, but what