Andy Rooney_ 60 Years of Wisdom and Wit - Andy Rooney [37]
This is something called the Shalako. It’s one of those menus with a lot of writing in it. I always figure if I wanted to read, I’d go to a library. It says, “The Shalako is the most important religious ceremony performed by the Zuñi Indians.” And it goes on for three pages. You can imagine a waiter standing there while you read this history of the Zuñi Indians.
Here’s a place called the Parlour. I wonder where this is? Oh, there is no doubt where this is: “It is dusk in St. Paul. Sunset’s fading light reflects a red ribbon on the meandering Mississippi River. The skyline is silhouetted against the blue-gray haze.”
A menu.
We had a not particularly reliable survey made of menus and we have the results for you. According to the count we made, the most used words on menus were these, in order of frequency:
1 . “Freshly”
2. “Tender”
3. “Mouth-Watering”
4. “Succulent”
5. “On a Bed of ”
6. “Tangy”
7. “Hearty”
8. “Luscious”
9. “To Your Liking”
10. “Topped with”
11. “Savory”
12. “Tempting” and “Delicious” (Tie)
13. “Surrounded by”
14. “Golden Brown”
15. “By Our Chef ”
16. “Seasoned to Perfection”
17. “Choice Morsels of ”
18. “Delicately” and “Thick” (Tie)
19. “Crisp”
20. “Not Responsible for Personal Property”
“Freshly” was far and away the first.
“Savory,” Number 11, was interesting. Actually, on menus where the dinner was more than $7.50, it was usually spelled with a “u.” s-a-vo-u-r-y.
“Surrounded by.” “Surrounded by” and “On a Bed of ” are a lot the same, but “On a Bed of ” actually beat out “Surrounded by.”
“Golden Brown.” Almost everything is “Golden Brown.” Sometimes the lettuce is golden brown.
“By Our Chef.” Even places that don’t have a chef say “By Our Chef.”
“Seasoned to Perfection.” “Choice Morsels of.” “Delicately” and “Thick” were tied for 18. Number 19 was “Crisp.” And Number 20 on our list of most used words was “Not Responsible for Personal Property.”
Wine menus. Last year was a very good year for wine menus.
Anyone who orders wine in a restaurant always wonders how much the same bottle would cost him in a liquor store. We thought we’d find out.
Rooney (in liquor store): What’s the price of the Chauvenet Red Cap? Liquor-Store Owner: Six-ninety-nine.
Rooney (from menu): Chauvenet Red Cap . . . twenty dollars a bottle.
This is at the restaurant called the Michaelangelo. Let’s see. Liebfraumilch, Blue Nun . . . ten dollars. (To liquor-store owner) What do you get for Blue Nun?
Owner: Three-eighty-nine.
Rooney (from menu): Mouton Cadet Rothschild, 1970 . . . twelve dollars. (To liquor-store owner) This Mouton Cadet. What do you get for that?
Owner: Three-ninety-nine.
Rooney: You don’t lose any money on that, either.
Owner: No.
Rooney (from menu): Château Malijay . . . six-forty-five.
Owner: That’s a Côte du Rhône . . . one-ninety-nine.
Rooney (from menu): Here’s a bottle of Pouilly-Fumé de la Doucette, 1971 . . . eighteen dollars. (To store owner) What do you get for that?
Owner: La Doucette, Pouilly-Fumé . . . We sell it for six-ninety-nine.
Rooney (from menu): This is a restaurant in Las Vegas. Here the Lancers Rose is eleven dollars. (To store owner) Lancers Vin Rosé?
Owner: Lancers sells for four-twenty-nine.
Rooney: I always thought this was the kind of a wine where the bottle was worth more than the drink. I guess you wouldn’t want to comment on that?
Owner: No. I’d rather not.
Everyone complains about wine snobs. Snobs of every kind have a bad reputation in America. No one understands that it’s the snobs who set the standards of excellence in the world. There are art snobs, literary snobs, music snobs, and in every case it’s the snobs who sneer at mediocrity. The gourmets are the food snobs. Without them we’d all be eating peanut-butter sandwiches.
Like the gourmets, wine snobs know what they’re talking about. So if you’re going to drink wine, get to know something about it. Be prepared to pay too much for a bottle of wine. Be your own wine snob . . . it’s part of the fun.
A good rule of thumb is, if you can afford a wine, don’t buy it.