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Gossiping about others is another obvious way of feeding junk food to the ego. When we gossip, it’s easy to feel part of the “in crowd;” for a moment we might feel superior. But telling tales or making unkind jokes only serves to objectify and distance others. The people or group about whom we are talking lose their humanity—just as we lose ours. Impeccable speech asks us to utilize awareness to start unraveling the cocoon of ego. Resist the urge to talk about others and begin to live in the present moment, with whoever is with you and no one else. This very moment is sufficient, perfect, and complete. Enjoy and appreciate what is before your very eyes, and all will be revealed—fresh and radiant as any dawn, as at the very dawn of creation.

AVOID HARSH ABUSIVE LANGUAGE;

SPEAK KINDLY

It’s not just what you say, it’s how, when, and why you say it.

How: Deidra is telling her husband Jacob that she hates finding his dirty socks and smelly sneakers on the bathroom floor. Her tone is harsh, accusatory, and sarcastic. Jacob uses much the same tone when he complains that Deidra always wastes energy by keeping the thermostat on high during winter days, even when no one is home. Do these complaints serve their purpose, or would not a clearer, more direct request or suggestion help alleviate these problems?

When: Sandi is feeling very pleased and enthusiastic about her new job interview. She’s so very happy. Why has her friend Martha chosen this moment to tell Sandi all the things that could possibly go wrong? Why is Martha raining on Sandi’s parade? Is this perhaps Martha’s pattern? And why does Sandi inevitably find friends who undermine her and use speech to dampen her hopeful enthusiasm?

Why: Criticism can be helpful and constructive; it can also be destructive, abusive, undermining, and petty. When your car mechanic tells you about the rust on the underside of your car, he’s trying to help you. But if your neighbor tells you that your old car has become the neighborhood eyesore, is that genuinely meant to help?

Abusive speech is most frequently associated with anger and hostility, even when the anger is expressed as annoyance, sarcasm, surreptitious verbal sniping, or barbed wit. We all know what anger feels like. When we feel angry, it can take a real effort to look at the other person and see a living spirit, just like yourself. Equally challenging is finding a way to let the Buddha speak through you with healing words of acceptance, love, and compassion.

Sometimes the greatest challenge of Right Speech is not sounding overly harsh and critical with our nearest and dearest—mates, children, parents, and colleagues. You love your mate, or your child, but he or she does things that make you furious and cause both your voice and your blood pressure to rise. Sometimes what we need to do is simply stop for a moment, breathe, and come into an awareness of precisely what is taking place; and then try to act more skillfully, more appropriately, with consideration for all parties to the situation.

People often ask me how they can find more constructive ways of dealing with anger and aggression. It’s a difficult question. What do we do when someone is pushing all our buttons? In Buddhism, anger is considered the most problematic of the negative emotions, or kleshas. Yet anger is just an energy, a reaction; it is workable. Frequently we need to learn to say “no” clearly and firmly without aggression—before a situation escalates into an intense conflagration. Sometimes no is more positive and affirming than an indiscriminate and poorly thought out yes. Anger need not be suppressed, repressed, or bottled up. It actually has something to tell us, if we just listen.

Even such a gentle and well-trained spiritual leader as the Dalai Lama has to deal with these issues. He says that for decades he has been turning the other cheek and trying not to react precipitously against the Chinese, accepting the movements of karma as he seeks peaceful reconciliation and mutual understanding. But every