Awkward Family Photos - Mike Bender [6]
Cecilia
Chicago, Illinois
When I was younger I took a lot of road trips with my grandparents, always sitting on the armrest between the two of them in the front seat. They always listened to KMA, the local farm news station. One day, when I was about eight or nine years old, they must have felt generous and let me listen to “my station.” After a few seconds of commercials, the first song came on. It was “I Want Your Sex” by George Michael. Even worse was the fact that they didn’t turn the station, so I had approximately four full minutes of complete torture.
Sara
Glenwood, Iowa
Here is one of my grandmother’s midnight e-mails:
The twins started their state playoffs on Monday at 6:00 P.M. They won. Played again on Tuesday at 6:00 P.M. They won. Played again on Wednesday at 6:00 P.M. They won. Played again on Thursday at 6:00 P.M. They lost. Played again on Thursday at 8:00 P.M. They won by one run. They will play again on Friday at 6:00 P.M. They will play Richards, which is the team that beat them 25-3. The team that beats will win first place and the other team will win second. Never dreamed they would do so well. I have not gone to the games because of the heat and I get too nervous. Tomorrow night, Brad is going and I am also going. I will take along three nerve pills. Hope I make it. The only casualty has been Alice, who plays first base, and was hit in the mouth trying to make a catch. Just a little blood and swelling. She was worried about her permanent teeth getting knocked loose. She is fine.
Anonymous
echnically, they’re blood. They go by the friendly names of Uncle Jack, Aunt Rita, and Cousin Mark. We’re told we’re related to them and we accept it as fact because, after all, if they’re showing up at the same family gatherings as we are, then they must be family. But when it comes right down to it, we must ask ourselves … who the hell are these people?
We see them only a few times a year. We’re not really sure what they do, where they live, or how old they are. We try to make the best of it at family get-togethers and humor our uncle by watching his half-decent coin trick and listen to our aunt recount every detail of her fascinating trip to Colonial Williamsburg. As for the cousins, we’re inevitably thrust into forced playtime, stiff photo sessions, and awkward silences at the kids’ table.
And when it’s all over and we return home with the family we can keep track of, we’re not sure we know these other folks any better than we did before, but we’re sure glad they’re around to keep things interesting.
Uncle Bill is going through a rough breakup right now.
Aunt Mary passes along her extensive knowledge of crime scenes.
They’re related to us and around the same age, so it’s no wonder why we become instant BFF’s.
Memories of hanging with Aunt Tessa.
These cousins decided to opt out of the slow dances.
ets are often considered to be the favorite member of the family. They are there for all of our highs and lows, witness all of our strange habits, and never once judge us for them. They don’t talk back, don’t lie to us, and consistently make us feel like we’re the most important person in the world. So, why, you may ask, is there an awkward chapter about them?
Well, because it isn’t the pets who are awkward. It’s us! That’s right. We’re the ones who are guilty of dressing them in booties, bow ties, and sweaters, talking to them in a baby voice, and proudly giving them names that begin with Miss, Mister, and Li’l. We put them on gluten-free diets, hang a stocking for them at Christmas, and enter them into beauty competitions. Yes, we’ll pretty much do anything for our pets because we love them so much, even though all they’re really looking for is a little attention, a walk, a cuddle here and there, and a chance to chase a squirrel. So, the next time we find ourselves taking a pet into therapy because we are convinced they’ve got an emotional issue to resolve, we should remember that we’re the crazy