Belly Laughs_ The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth - Jenny McCarthy [15]
For a place I had wanted no part of, I don’t think I could have run there fast enough. This was my new home, a place where other women walked around with giant brown nipples, too. And there, standing before me, was a giant rack of the ugliest, biggest, and most comfortable-looking bras I had ever seen. A MATERNITY BRA! I just had to try that bitch on so fast that I didn’t even bother to close the dressing room door. Ah, comfort beyond belief. Take it from me and don’t hold out for style. Don’t wait long to join the team. Surrender to the maternity bra and your world will be transformed.
If I scared you at all about how big your boobs are going to get while pregnant, then you’re in deep shit because compared to milk-filled boobs, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!!
When your milk comes in, you and Pamela Anderson can share bras. True enough. There aren’t enough words that can accurately describe what happens. “Hi, Porn Star!” is just the beginning.
Here’s how it goes down: As if your body hasn’t been through enough already, a few days after delivery, your breasts are going to start getting sore. When I told my mom that mine were sore, I saw a little panic in her eyes. She obviously knew what I was about to go through. I kept reassuring her it was all okay. I’d been through the worst of it with breast surgery before, and I really thought I could “do” boob pain.
Fast forward to . . . (crying) “MOM, I NEED HELP! I can’t take the pain, I’m either going to die or cut off my breasts.” It’s crazy how badly they hurt, and I was already on painkillers so I couldn’t even imagine what they would feel like sober. When I tell you that I walked over to the mirror and lifted my shirt and sobbed ridiculously, you have to believe me. Now for all those breast feeders out there, I hear that feeding your baby can immediately relieve this pain and engorgement. But they will engorge uncomfortably before each feeding until you’re into a routine. I was not breast feeding, so I had to fight it and let them dry up. They were so swollen that the top part of my boobs were hitting my collarbone and the bottom half touched my belly button (only a slight exaggeration, I promise you).
If, like me, you aren’t going to breast-feed, you’re going to go through the wringer like me, too. I don’t want to scare you, but in some respects, I have to say that this boob thing was more baffling to me than delivery. It all happens so fast (the engorgement, that is, not the relief) and there’s not much you can do.
Some people told me to ice my mams, but the only thing I could find that would fit were two huge bags of frozen vegetables (we’re talking commercial-sized bags, here), and they melted too quickly. Another person suggested I wrap my boobs in cabbage leaves. I don’t know about you, but even if this old wives’ tale really works, I wasn’t up to the challenge. About all I can suggest that I know works is to bind your breasts up (think Hillary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry and Gwyneth Paltrow in Shakespeare in Love). I used a long scarf and didn’t take it off my chest for days. Just taking it off for a shower was excruciating. Any little movement was agony. So much to look forward to, eh?
Ready and Squeeze . . . Your Kegels
(An Exercise for the Vagina)
Throughout your pregnancy you’re going to hear women whining about Kegels. “Are you doing your Kegels?” “Make sure you’re doing your Kegels or you’ll be sorry.” Even women who aren’t pregnant are going to warn you to pay attention to your Kegels. I’m not saying don’t do them. People swear by them. I was just always so annoyed with them. Who really wants to squeeze her vagina in and out all day long? Woman-to-woman advice aside, where’s the scientific proof that Kegels will really do any good? I swear I wouldn’t have done them if the I’ve-had-a-baby-and-so-take-it-from-me sisterhood hadn’t scared me into squeezing.
So let’s say you’ve been scared or pressured into vagina flexing.