Belly Laughs_ The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth - Jenny McCarthy [17]
Weight gain is one thing. But then there are the “Well back in our day we had no epidural” women. My feeling here is God bless ya, but don’t even think for one second we are going to go without just because you did. It’s a whole different time; our way of living has dramatically changed. Modern medicine has advanced things, ladies. We love hearing the story of your personal ordeal, but please don’t lecture or make us feel like we’re doing pregnancy wrong just because we’re doing it better (uh, I mean different).
Did a Sewer Tank Explode, or Did You Just Fart?
(Gas)
My poor poor husband. He has always enjoyed the real side of Jenny—after all, he knew something about me before we got together—but I don’t think he ever expected this.
Now, we’ve all eaten something bad and suffered the consequences, especially while driving in a car with the windows rolled up, but a pregnant woman’s farts can truly bring a man to his knees. Things start getting bad in the first trimester. Unfortunately, when you don’t look pregnant (only fat) you don’t get too much sympathy; no one cuts you much slack. But even if you don’t look like you have an excuse, you have no control either. You just kind of have to hope that a sweet little smile and an “oops” will get you off the hook.
The worst time for me and my gas was when we were out in public. I would feel the gas building up, and I’d run to an empty aisle in the store and pray no one decided to come along when I released my poison. Another effective but risky strategy is to do the ol’ walking while you’re farting routine hoping that the stench dissipates as you move. But come on, you know that there will never fail to be some poor bastard who will walk directly into your line of fire.
Obviously, the main reason behind the alluring odor of these precious bursts of air is constipation. If you try to stay away from gassy foods and/or simply not gorge yourself, you might have an easier time than I did. But either way, I highly suggest carrying a little air freshener spray in your purse. And for the home, invest in some scented candles. Your husband might think you’re trying to be romantic, so just go with it if you can stand it. Remember, he doesn’t need to know that you’re trying to cover the smell of death. And if anything escapes accidentally, at least you’re trying!
Hands Off, Dude!
(Strangers Touching Your Belly)
It would be great if we lived in a world where strangers weren’t so strange. In civilized society, people don’t just come up to you and touch your stomach. If they did, you might have them arrested! So why do people think it’s okay to come up to pregnant women and pet their bellies?
Now, I know most people mean well, but I would imagine that you’ll feel as protective of your belly as I did mine. And as a general rule, I think they should all ASK FIRST, don’t you agree? I remember a couple of times when I was wearing a tank top that showed a bit of my bare belly, and total strangers (once a completely greasy guy) would think that the exposed skin was okay to touch. No, off limits! Back off. The people who touched me are just lucky that I didn’t bite their hands off like a guard dog. Woof! Woof! Stay away.
One particular encounter with an old Jamaican lady gave me the willies on top of making me angry. I was walking down the street and she stopped me, placed her hand on my belly, and began chanting a voodoo-like prayer. I was in such shock that I couldn’t move. Maybe it was wandering mind syndrome (see page 95), but before I had time to kung-foo her, she was already gone. I was so freaked out afterward that I got my ass home and scrubbed my belly, saying my own Catholic prayer.
The one exception to my rule of ASK FIRST was when other pregnant women touched my belly. I think you’ll agree that there is an unspoken camaraderie between all pregnant women and you want to share the