Belly Laughs_ The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth - Jenny McCarthy [20]
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH! . . . I’ll Take Another One of Those, Please!
(Orgasms in Pregnancy)
Not every single thing in pregnancy was horrible, of course. There was the promise of the baby to come. And there was coming. If God has designed it that we are allowed one good thing in pregnancy, I am SO glad he picked orgasms. If you haven’t had a pregnant orgasm yet, I sincerely hope that you will get to experience one in the near future. Outstanding. Capital O.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Who’s thinking about sex? If my husband even comes near me with his penis I’m going to run.” I totally understand. I was not interested in having actual sex, either, but remember, there is such a thing as “going at it alone.” Know what I mean? I hope I don’t have to draw you a picture.
I don’t have a medical explanation for why orgasms are so much more intense when you’re pregnant (something about increased blood flow, I think, but understanding it takes all the fun out of it!), and I don’t really need one. I do know from checking out my expression in a mirror once that I look like I’m having a seizure during them because of the intensity. Yet another reason I avoided my husband.
Wonderful though the pregnant orgasm truly is, I would rotate from “OH YES” to “OH NO, I’M KILLING MY BABY.” I constantly asked my doctor if I was harming my baby, and he constantly assured me I was not. To quiet my fears, I pictured my little baby at a Grateful Dead concert, stoned on my endorphins, just floating in ecstasy as Mom lay there with glazed eyes and a big grin.
Of course, there are some women out there who constantly crave actual sex during pregnancy. I don’t know who the hell you are, but the women’s magazines report that you’re out there. Not me. I wanted a little Snausage maybe twice in the entire nine months of pregnancy. Other than that my husband kept his willy far away from me. Fine with me, but it was also his prerogative. He told me it felt too weird for him to have his penis banging away so close to his son. Again, fine with me. He had his dirty mags and I had the pocket rocket!
So give it a whirl and try to take advantage of the best side effect pregnancy has to offer. The big “O” is more like “O YEAH!”
The Crying Game
(Hormonal Blues)
I know I’m about to get my period every month when I’m driving alone in my car, hear a sad song on the radio, and burst into tears. It’s usually some song by Barry Manilow or any Carpenters’ song. Well, when you’re pregnant you don’t need a song to come on the radio to make you cry. You just need to hear a traffic report and the floodgates will open.
Now, I’m not talking about postpartum: That’s in book two . . . heh heh heh. And I’m not talking about Psycho Chick (she’s another story; see page 15). This is about all those tears shed while your bun is still in the proverbial oven. There were times I honestly thought I was going to get completely dehydrated because I would cry for days. Looking back I giggle at how emotional we women get. But those damn hormones really get the best of us. And forget about going to the movies. Even comedies made me sob.
Case in point: I was pregnant when Moulin Rouge came out, and I decided to treat myself to a little movie and popcorn. The big mistake here was going by myself. I cried so hard in the theater that strangers were coming up to me and asking if I was hurt. As people filed out, I hid on the ground because I couldn’t control my sobbing. (Wait, it gets worse.) Once everyone had left, I ran to my car and pulled away. Seconds later I pulled over because I couldn’t drive. I was sobbing so hard I began to hyperventilate. Now, if you haven’t seen the movie you are probably thinking, “Damn, this must be a good flick.” Well, it is a great movie, but when you’re pregnant The Wizard of Oz would do the same